Darkangel
by Coombs
Summary: Abandoned because of heavy Mary-Sue tendencies I wasn't happy with. Still up here to remind me what not to do!
1. They Fall Again

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

Kara Shepard was born and raised on Mindoir. She enlisted with the Alliance at age 18. I chose the War Hero background for her. In ME1 she was 100% paragon, in ME2 I played her 100% renegade, except for Tali's and Garrus' loyalty missions, where I chose the paragon way. This is my explanation for Kara how she came from being paragon to being renegade. At least, it's a try.

The title "Darkangel" is a song by the band VNV Nation. Full lyrics of the song can be found on their homepage .com - For some reason this song was very fitting for this Shepard. I always had it in mind when playing.

Any review is appreciated. So feel free to comment. I've tried to stay IC as best as I could, and although my story goes along the game's storyline, I chose to stray away from the path every once in a while.

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Chapter 1**

**They fall again**

_Caress the air. Embrace the skies. Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities._

"Commander!"

She heard the panic in Joker's voice as the Normandy was hit by another large beam of what seemed to be pure energy and she was hurled away from the door that promised rescue, away from Joker, whose face was now only a blur.

A red button came into her view. A button which, if she reached it, would at least grant safety for her pilot.

"Shepard!"

Despair - as it became obvious to Joker what Shepard was about to do when he saw her stretch out her arm and her fingertips to touch that button. The airlock closed and as the last remaining piece the of the SSV Normandy SR1 spat out the escape pod with no one else aboard but Jeff Moreau, Commander Shepard was hit by the force of an explosion that threw her out into open space. It only took her a second or two to realize she was floating in pure nothingness. Pieces of destroyed ship surrounding her. It took her another second to realize that her suit was losing air. _Fast_.

In pure reflex, her hands snapped upwards to behind her neck, trying to fix the leak. Trying to make this stop. She panicked, knowing that it would only worsen the situation, but even after all those years of military training and service she could not stop her fear rising. She soon ran out of oxygen and started to feel dizzy.

_They fall again._

She lost consciousness only a few seconds later. Panic and her body's fight for air didn't leave any time for rational thoughts. Nor for the legendary your-whole-life-passing-you-by-moment that most people believed happened. When her body entered the atmosphere of the nearby planet, she was already dead.


	2. Time

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

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**Chapter 2**

**Time**

_Give me time I will be clear. _

_Voices_

She woke slowly, her brain trying to filter out the words spoken around her. Never had her eyelids felt so heavy. Never had she felt so drained, so worn out, so - tired. Part of her just wanted to go back to sleep. It wasn't time yet to get back on duty. Given how sleepy she felt, she must have gone to bed just about an hour ago.

_Explosion! Joker! No Air!_

Her mind jumped from not caring to holy-shit-mode within milliseconds.

Had they actually managed to rescue her? What was the last thing she could remember? Her suit had been losing air, then she'd passed out. She'd been out in open space, alone. How could she have possibly survived?

Her brain left holy-shit-mode as quickly as it had entered and moved on to full-speed thought analysis.

There had been no ship around and the Normandy had been destroyed, so this left only two possibilities and she liked neither. One, she was dead and this was afterlife, heaven, hell, nirvana, whatever place people believed you go to when you die. Two, the enemy who had attacked the Normandy had picked her up.

_Again the voices_

They sounded worried. And...human.

There was no point in laying around waiting for something to happen. Answers wouldn't come to her by themselves.

Shepard cautiously opened her eyes but the bright light not only hurt, but also seemed to burn right through her retina, edging its way into her brain.

One of the voices, female, was talking to her, telling her not to move, to calm down. Did she just say Shepard's name? They knew who she was. Was that a good or a bad sign?

There it was again...this pain. It ran through her body, crawled into the very last of her cells, making her scream silently in agony. She tried to move her head, to lift her arm, her breath increasing, she wanted to get rid of this pain. What were they doing to her?

"Wilson..."

A name. Human. Someone pushed her arm down next to her side. Probably trying to be gentle, yet not aware of the pain-beyond-everything this act caused. Someone mentioned a sedative.

Then the face of a woman over her, smiling slightly, comfortingly but also concerned.

Everything faded away...the voices, the face, the thoughts, the pain.


	3. Darkened Skies

N/A: Thanks to MitisVenatrix for the input and help. It REALLY helped me a great deal! A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Darkened Skies**

_To the darkened skies once more and ever onward._

Something just shook her body. What was that?

_"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now - this facility is under attack."_

She opened her eyes. Something shook her again. _Under attack _was all her brain needed to make a jump-start, telling her that the shaking came from explosions. She lifted her head.

"..aagh."

Her left hand grabbed her jaw. Damn! Had she been sleeping or fighting? She felt as though she'd headbutted an entire krogan army all by herself.

_"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack." _

There was that voice again. Who was this woman? Yet, her brain knew that now was not the right time for questions, signaling her body to sit up.

More pain!

Shepard gritted her teeth and moved her hand from her jaw down to her ribcage.

_What the hell?_

She tried to ignore the pain as best as she could and looked around. Through the windows she could see gunfire outside. Looking around once more, she finally realized that she was in some sort of laboratory but the voice didn't leave her much time for a closer inspection, telling her to grab armor and a pistol from a locker across the room. She obeyed and only a few minutes later she found herself ducking into cover just in time before something exploded by the door right in front of her.

Her pistol wasn't loaded, but outside of the room she found a thermal clip next to a dead body that was wearing a uniform she had never seen before. Humans, but no hints at who they were or why she was here. Definitely not Alliance! When she picked up the clip, taking in a sharp breath as her ribs reminded her painfully that something about all this was just horribly wrong, she caught a quick glimpse of a logo, embroidered on the uniform's shoulders. It looked quite familiar, yet her brain was not able to retrieve any information from her memory.

_I've seen this before, _she pondered, _but where? _

However, this would have to wait. She punched the clip into her pistol and ran into the next room, jumped over the barriers, ignoring all painful objections of her body this time, and just when she picked up another clip from the ground, she was attacked by a mech. She overloaded it and then kept moving. The voice told her to get to the shuttles. She had no idea, where that was, but so far, the voice had been doing a good job at not only guiding but also protecting her. Still, one thing the woman had said, rang in Shepard's head.

_Someone's hacked security trying to kill you! _

Someone? Who? She had made many enemies in her life, both as a soldier and a civilian. But they should know her better. Fighting her way out of what looked like hopeless situations, was something she could do in her sleep!

_How does this someone know where I am if I don't even know myself? _

It couldn't be someone from outside. Security systems were usually protected against hacking attacks from outside. So this only meant one thing: it was someone from inside. Someone who had been working here.

_Bastard must have reprogrammed the mechs to attack me. Didn't really go as planned, huh? _she thought while the noise of exploding mechs rang satisfyingly in her ears.

_"More reinforcements heading your way. Grab the grenade launcher." _

The voice brought Shepard back from her thoughts. Again, she obeyed, aimed and launched a grenade against three more mechs. Then she took the elevator downstairs. She kept running through the building, came across more empty laboratories and dead bodies and eventually lost the contact to the voice.

"Shit!"

Shepard didn't like the idea of running blindly through an unknown facility, not knowing what to expect, let alone where to go. She bypassed some door locks and wall-saves, got access to computer terminals and log files. Most of it didn't answer any questions. The logs talked about some Lazarus Project and that they've gone over budget but didn't mention who actually had spent those four billion credits on her, let alone why. One log mentioned a woman named Miranda. Shepard was wondering if that was the same woman who'd been talking to her until they lost the intercom connection.

Behind the next door, she bumped into a man wearing the same uniform like most of the dead bodies earlier, the same logo on the shoulders, one on the chest. He was fighting security mechs and seemed to be more than surprised to see her.

"Shepard? What are you doing here? I thought you were still a work in progress."

She gulped at how he referred to her.

_Work in progress? What the hell? _

The events of the past minutes, the pain, the adrenaline rush, the mechs emerging from a door on the other side, all this made it difficult to catch one single sane thought; to wrap her brain around everything. She still had no idea where she was, what was going on and who these people were. All she knew was that she was just tired of taking orders.

It was time to get some answers.


	4. No Faith

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**No Faith**

_There is no faith in which to hide..._

Shepard was staring out of the shuttle's window, her head filled and racing with thoughts while she tried to process all the information she'd been given. Her body - a mess.

Commander Shepard had been brought back from the dead.

She'd been dead! DEAD! How do you deal with such information? How do you deal with your own death?

_Two years_

The security officer she'd run into, Jacob Taylor, had dropped this little fact as if it was nothing. As if resurrecting someone who'd died was something they did on a daily basis. He used to be Alliance but joined Cerberus.

_Cerberus_

That's where she knew the logo from.

At least Taylor had been honest with her about who he was working for, still the fact that it was Cerberus who had brought her back from the dead, made her stomach clench. More than once she'd destroyed their laboratories and killed their agents. An organization that had gone rogue, putting human interests before everything.

_At every cost_

She remembered the sick experiments they used to run all too well.

_Two years in Cerberus' hands. Who knows what they've done to me,_ she thought while still staring outside. During the fight earlier she'd noticed that her biotic skills were far more powerful than she remembered them being.

_Two years_

This thought just wouldn't let her go. The first things she'd asked as soon as there had been a chance for more questions were about her old crew. She'd been relieved to hear that most of them had survived. Most of them except for a few service men from the lower decks and Navigator Pressly.

Everybody else had gotten off the Normandy in time before it was destroyed. What were they all doing now? How had they felt after her death? Had they known about Cerberus' plans of bringing her back and that finally they'd succeeded?

She slightly shook her head. _Naaah, _she thought, _none of them would know. _They all hated Cerberus as much as she'd hated this _secret _organization...

_Wait! Had hated?_

Startled, Shepard stared at a fingerprint on the window pane. Why did she just think that? She must be more confused than she thought. Then again, back on the Cerberus station where she'd woken up what seemed like ages ago, she hadn't acted much like herself either.

After meeting Taylor, they both had found this Wilson, the man who Shepard remembered from the first time she'd gained consciousness. She wondered how much time had passed since then. Together they'd fought their way to the shuttles, where eventually they'd bumped into the voice from the intercom earlier, Miranda Lawson. Turned out Wilson had been the traitor so he had been the one trying to kill Shepard. But why?

Miranda had shot him, no questions asked. And all Shepard could do was stand there and agree with this woman's actions. She had just shrugged it off while holstering her weapon.

Hell, if she could have, she would have killed all of them without a second thought.

_No, you wouldn't_

Her thoughts stopped for a split second and then she saw it.

_No, I wouldn't have killed them. I would have asked questions to get answers. This all makes no sense. Why me?_

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition."

Miranda's voice snapped her back to reality and Shepard sat up. When Jacob interrupted, she could hear Miranda talking about weeks of testing. Weeks of testing? What did they think she was? A human guinea pig?

_I'm not your lab-rat!_

Jacob asked about her past, her childhood, her family, her friends. She felt a sting in her heart. _Mindoir, long ago, slavers_. She tried not to let the sudden emergence of emotions show. After all this time, the memories of the events on Mindoir, where she grew up and lost her whole family to batarian slavers, still haunted her, but these people were strangers and those feelings she was not prepared to share. She pushed the memory aside.

Jacob asked about the Skyllian Blitz on Elysium.

It was hard for her to suppress a moan at his question. The Blitz had rocketed her into war-hero sky when all she had been doing was her job. Well, actually not even that, seeing that she had been on shore leave at that time. She'd never wanted to become a hero and had hated all the publicity and handshaking that accompanied her new status.

She wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. She gave him an answer, one that she had used over and over. No hero speech, that one was reserved for officials, reporters, people who needed comfort or encouragement. But Cerberus? They deserved the other version. A charming way to tell them to fuck off.

Miranda took over, and again Shepard's attention was brought back to the here and now as she heard _Virmire _and was painfully reminded of one of her hardest decisions in her life.

"...where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast."

Memories flashed through her head. Shepard on her way to the tower. Ashley on the radio. Gunfire everywhere. The decision between Kaidan by the nuke and Ash up at the tower. Two people she had come to trust and to care.

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was killed in action. It was your call. Why did you leave her behind?"

She hesitated, they would never know how hard it had been for her and how much it had hurt and still did. So she gave them the official answer. About Ash dying a hero and how she'd had no choice, because they had to stop Saren. It made her sick to her own stomach listening to herself. There were parts she wanted to keep for herself, those memories that burned, she didn't want them to know anything about her. It was none of their business. Hell, it wasn't anyone's business besides her own.

_Bet, you're both dying to hear my confession 'bout how it broke my heart. You're not my friends._

She leaned back and turned her head to the right, focusing her eyes on the fingerprint again while the voices became far away echoes.

_Two years_

_Dead_

Those words repeated themselves in her head like some sort of mantra. She'd never been a spiritual person. Never believed in God. But death had always been a present constant in her life. Always there, lurking, ready to take her life, or one of those she cared for or loved.

Eventually she had shut off all emotions to the outside world, to herself. Not being able to feel anything had always been easier than feeling pain. It had worked well for her. But after Elysium things had changed. She'd felt as though someone had broken down these walls with a couple of well-placed mines, and put her into the middle of make-the-galaxy-a-better-place-sort of game, assuring her that she only had this one try and failing would have most fatal consequences. Regardless of how much she'd hated her role as iconic figure, as symbol, as hero, she'd known that people had started looking up to her. This status had made people trust her and follow her wherever she would lead them.

Then, the hunt for Saren had started, the turian Spectre who'd gone rogue, leading a large geth army in his attempt to bring back the reapers. An old machine race that wanted to wipe out all organic life in the galaxy. Suddenly, she was no longer just a member of a crew of humans, but the captain of a ship and the leader of humans and aliens. She'd helped them overcome issues, helped them grow attached to each other. To see each other for _who _they were not _what _they were. She had broken down the species barrier for some individuals and it had made her proud.

_Good times, _she thought bitterly.

Deep inside her, well hidden in a well-secured box lay those feelings. The feelings for the people that had become more than just affiliates.

Kaidan Alenko, a friend she had trusted with thoughts and feelings she had shared with no-one else before. He'd been there for her, listening, giving advice, not judging her actions, always having her back, sometimes even flirting. Eventually, she'd realized that he'd developed feelings for her too, but she had told him to keep things professional and being the great man that he was, he had understood.

Liara T'Soni, the young asari scientist, not really young compared to a human, but at 106 years old by asari standards still a maiden. When she joined the crew, her innocence shone through her years, she was beautiful and smart. They'd spent countless hours talking about the protheans, loving the enthusiasm in Liara's eyes, they often laughed about her clumsiness around other people.

Tali'Zorah Nar Rayya, the quarian. Her technical knowledge had sometimes rendered Shepard speechless. How hard must it have been for her to be away from home, travelling the galaxy and ending up on an Alliance ship fighting the biggest threat of the Galaxy. Shepard had rescued the young woman out of a dangerous situation on the Citadel and it was Tali and her data, that she'd extracted from a geth's memory core that eventually led to prove Saren's guilt.

Urdnot Wrex. Shepard's heart sank as the mission on Virmire came back to her mind. She relived the last moment when the Krogran had gotten into an argument with her over the cloning facility on the planet. They'd ended up pointing their guns at each other but it hadn't been Shepard's that killed Wrex. Ashley had shot him, trying to protect her. She had failed, as a friend and as a Commander. Quickly, she pushed the thought away.

Garrus Vakarian, the turian and former C-Sec officer. Her heart skipped a beat. He had always been there for her as well. Listening to her, talking about tactics and life in general. He hadn't been really happy when they had finally tracked down Dr. Saleon, a salarian scientist Garrus had to let go during his time in C-Sec and she stopped him from executing the sick bastard. Although the doctor had died in the end and Garrus had gotten his revenge, she knew it had left a bad taste in his mouth, one that had momentarily sullied their relationship. Self-justice had never been an option for her but the silence between them after the incident had been hard on her. She had missed his company, his voice and his sense of humour.

Shepard pushed any thought of Garrus from her mind as well, only to have it replaced by the picture of a green eyed man wearing a hat.

Joker! She smiled but it went unnoticed. The man with the brittle bones, yet the best pilot she'd ever seen and worked with. His wit never cared about ranks but she could always count on him in difficult situations. She hoped he was alright.

She missed all of them and wondered if they missed her too.

_Oh, you died for god's sake. They probably shed a few tears, if any, got piss-drunk and then moved on!_

Again, she stowed away all those memories and the feelings that went with them and focused her mind on the situation.

_Two years_

_Dead_

_Dammit!_ She cursed silently and took a deep breath. _Alright, _she thought. _You don't want to let me go, then let's face it. Yes, I was dead, so what?_

_There is nothing_

_What?_

_There is nothing. You were dead and you saw it for yourself. There was nothing. No light. No one greeting you at the end of the tunnel. Nothing. Hell, there wasn't even a tunnel. You were dead and gone, and if it wasn't for Cerberus, you wouldn't even know that you were dead. You just died and didn't know it. No one gives a shit that you even existed._

_What? I don't believe in afterlife and such things._

_Then why the hell am I here?_

She may have never believed in heaven or a life after death but for some reason her mind had found comfort in the thought of a peaceful place. A place, where her family had been allowed to go to after those endless hours of horrible, senseless slaughter by those batarian bastards. A place free from fear and pain.

Yes, it scared her. It shattered her soul to know that all of them were really gone and she would never see them again.

Shepard gulped down the tears swelling up inside her.

_But...I'm here now._

_Yeah, because Cerberus brought you back. You're pretty lucky if you ask me._

Her thoughts lingered until she was distracted by the gigantic space station that came into view. The shuttle, finally, had reached its destination.


	5. True Lies

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**True Lies**

_Even truth is filled with lies. _

Yes, this was still her old self, at least on the outside. Same blue eyes, same slightly dark skin. Her hair, as buzz-cut as possible just like she's always had. It had never really grown how she had wanted it anyway, but the mirror showed her reflection as she remembered. Except for the scars that now covered her face.

Shepard stripped out of her armor and opened the tap. Before meeting with the Illusive Man she just needed a moment to herself and had walked to the nearest restroom as soon as she had left the shuttle.

Cold water ran across her hands. It felt good. She inhaled deeply, trying to calm herself down; to become rational in a last effort to shut everything off.

_Two years. That's 730 days if you go by solar years, plus the 12 days this Taylor guy mentioned. _

"Oh, shut up," she hissed at her own reflection, leaning forward to splash water into her face.

A few minutes later, she stepped out of the restroom and walked across the room, only to leave it through a door on the far side and go downstairs. The room she entered there, was dimly lit.

Shepard moved forward when all of a sudden a scanner grid grew around her. A split second later she found herself in front of him...

"The Illusive Man." Shepard crossed her arms in front of her chest and rested her weight on one leg. All concerns had gone away, replaced by a desire to get answers. She didn't even give him a chance to reply.

"From what I've heard, I cost you a fortune. Why did you do it?"

"For the defense and preservation of humanity. I didn't spend two years and billions of credits bringing you back to serve as common soldier. But humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence."

Shepard stiffened at this statement.

"The Reapers."

"Good to see your memory is still intact. How are you feeling?"

He wasn't her friend. He may have the right to ask, yet he didn't deserve an honest answer.

_Let's play!_

"I noticed a few upgrades. I hope you didn't replace anything really important."

_Smooth._

"We tried to keep you as intact as possible. We need Shepard. Just as you were when you defeated Sovereign."

_Oh well. Just another puppet master trying to pull my strings_.

"What are the Reapers doing that made you decide to bring me back?"

_Give me information!_

"We're at war. No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack. While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies. We believe it's someone working for the Reapers. Just as Saren and the geth aided Sovereign. You've seen it yourself."

_Sleeping. Yeah, right. Nice way of putting it._

"Fighting a war doesn't seem like Cerberus. Why are you involved?"

_Tell me, what you're really after. _

"We are committed to the enhancement and preservation of humanity. If the Reapers are targeting us, trying to wipe us out, Cerberus will stop them. If we wait for politicians or the Alliance to act, no more human colonies will be left."

_You definitely know how to talk. _

"Sovereign was trying to harvest all life in the galaxy. Why would the Reapers target a few human colonies?"

_Let's see how you can explain that one. _

"Hundreds of thousands of colonists have vanished. I'd say that fits the definition of harvesting. Nobody's paying attention because it's random and the attacks occur in remote locations. I don't know why they're suddenly targeting humanity. Maybe you got their attention. Well, you killed one of them."

_Right. My fault. Still, no explanation why they only attack a few human colonies. It's just a guess from your side. _

"If this is a threat against humanity, you need to mobilize the Alliance."

"The Alliance is overwhelmed by the responsibility you gave them. They're too busy building relations to put resources into verifying the Reaper threat. Blaming the abductions on mercs and pirates is easier and more convenient."

_Shit. You do have a point there. I knew it would come back at me and bite me right in the ass. Still, I don't believe a thing you say about the Alliance. _

She tried not to remember the decision she was forced to make and what outcome it had. After she'd let the Council die, the Alliance, humans had formed a new one and she'd suggested Ambassador Udina as chairman, securing her species a powerful spot among the other races. But it had also led to more distrust against humans. Either way it had been a hard decision to make as both were at the cost of the lives of too many.

"You could have trained an entire army for what you spent to bring me back," Shepard brought her focus back to the conversation.

"You're unique. Not just an ability or what you've experienced but in what you represent. You stood for humanity in a key moment."

_Oh there we go again. _

"You're more than a soldier."

_I'm so tired of this. _

"You're a symbol."

_Yeah, right. And nobody gives a shit about me anyway. Use me, dump me, use me again, dump me again. And you will use me just like everyone before you. The question is, what for? _

_"A_nd I don't know if the Reapers understand fear but you killed one. They have to respect that."

_You didn't bring me back to intimidate the Reapers. I bet there's more to it but whatever. Looks like I don't have much of a choice right now anyway. Just tell me what to do._

"If you're after the Reapers, just point me into the right direction."

"Miranda was worried you'd be resistant."

_Well, looks like Miranda is a smart girl but she knows nothing about me. _

"She's not usually wrong."

_There's a first for everything._

"I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be abducted. Miranda and Jacob will brief you."

_Oh great. Two Cerberus pets that get paid to have my back._

"Miranda killed Wilson in cold blood. Jacob is just a gun for hire. Expect me to trust them?"

"Wilson was one of my best agents but he was a traitor. Miranda did exactly what I expected of her. And she saved your life in more ways than one. Jacob's a soldier. One of the best. He's never fully trusted me. But he's always been honest about it. You'll be just fine with them. For now."

She stiffened again. There was no point in wasting any more time.

"I'll get what you're looking for and be back before you know it."

"Good to hear it. Find any clues you can. Who's abducting the colonies? Do they have any connections with the Reapers? I brought you back. It's up to you to do the rest."

The Illusive Man typed something into the control panel that was integrated into his chair and the connection closed, bringing Shepard back to the dimly lit room.

Two years have passed. Human colonies were vanishing. The Alliance wasn't doing a thing about it, allegedly.

_Quite a strange time to come back from the dead, _she thought before she boarded the shuttle to Freedom's Progress.


	6. Alone

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Alone**

_Among my own I was alone through my own doing._

When the shuttle landed, Shepard didn't really know what to expect. Jacob and Miranda both had told her that they would most likely find nothing but another empty colony. And although both reassured her that they had no problems following her orders, all this just felt wrong to her. Come to think of it, this feeling wasn't surprising seeing that she'd woken up only a couple of hours ago. For everyone two years had passed, but for her, it felt like yesterday that the Normandy had been destroyed.

She had to find all the evidence needed. She couldn't be bothered to spare a thought for survivors. There probably wouldn't be any.

_Does pessimism come with the job? _

_Just sticking to the facts I'm given. Nothing wrong with that._

The silence of the colony was only disturbed by the sound of shuttle's opening door.

_Something's not right. Watch out._

At least her inner voice agreed with her on that and confirmed the feeling that had started to spread from her stomach, creeping over her. It had nothing to do with the two Cerberus operatives being there instead of Garrus or Kaidan, it was something else. The colony lay dark and silent in front of them but her well-trained senses told her they were not alone.

Their footsteps echoed outside and inside the empty, abandoned buildings. She bypassed a few wall-saves whenever she could to get credits. Who knew if or when she would need them. Still, she felt like a looter.

Outside of one of the buildings they ran into mechs that started attacking them, but they took them out quickly.

_I knew we're not alone here. Those mechs shouldn't have been hostile. _

"Someone reprogrammed them to attack on sight. We're not alone here," Miranda added to Shepard's thoughts.

_Someone again, who? _She wondered how many 'someones' were out there.

She walked on carefully, followed by the two agents. In the next building, they found a group of quarians pointing their guns at the humans.

"Stop right there"

_But..._

"Prazza! You said, you'd let me handle this," ordered a familiar voice.

_Tali? _

"Wait...Shepard?"

Every fibre in Shepard's body jumped from shock to happiness to confusion. She gestured at Miranda and Jacob to lower their weapons.

"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives," Prazza said, still pointing his gun.

_Looks like Cerberus doesn't have many friends. _

_That doesn't really surprise you, does it?_

"Put those weapons down!" Tali ordered.

She seemed so different, so...grown up.

_Two years, _the inner voice reminded her.

"Shepard? Is that...you're alive?"

She resisted the urge to just throw her arms around Tali and asking her to make her wake up from this bad dream. Instead, she swallowed all the emotions that tried to break free from the sealed box inside of her and switched to Commander mode.

"Tali Zorah you served on my ship. You know what I do to people who threaten me." That sounded harsher than planned but it worked, for Tali turned to the other quarians.

"Prazza. Tell your team to put their weapons away." she ordered.

"Damn it, Tali, this is bullshit. Why would your old commander work for Cerberus?" One of her team asked.

"I don't know. But if this is Shepard..." Tali stopped halfway through what she was saying and shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. Shepard would have a reason."

_Yeah, _she thought_. I do have a reason. I died and they brought me back from the dead, only to find out that everything I knew has changed from my life to some place I don't belong._

"I know Cerberus has a bad past, but they are the only group investigating these missing colonies. The Council turned its back on humanity. I haven't."

_Wow, I sound like a Cerberus puppy myself_

"Tali, you aren't seriously considering trusting Cerberus," Prazza stated rather than asked.

"I'm not trusting anyone, Prazza."

_Not even me? _She wasn't really sure what she had expected.

_I see..._

"But we're going to need help searching the area." Tali turned to Shepard again and explained that they were looking for one of their people, Veetor, who had come to Freedom's Progress during his pilgrimage and that they'd seen him running to hide at their arrival. She also told them that Veetor was the nervous kind of guy. Instable, as Prazza said it. Combined with an infection and damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers.

"...and he's likely delirious." the quarian added.

_Great_, Shepard thought. _We came here for evidence and actually may have found a witness and now they say that guy is crazy_.

"We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved." Tali added.

_I thought that was you. _

Shepard quickly pushed it away. What was wrong with her? She had found a member of her former crew, yet she was acting so strangely. Something was so wrong about all this. She needed to get away.

"We're taking it from here on," she heard herself say.

The quarians were not pleased with this direction and Tali replied that they would need two teams anyway to get to him. Eventually she agreed to team up with them and stormed out of the next door as quickly as she could.

Her thoughts waged war inside of her head, while she killed security drones and took down a heavy mech that had torn apart Prazza's squad.

She barely took any notice of all these events, and although Tali's voice come in over the radio every now and then, giving them updates, her mind was too busy processing her emotions while her body reacted on her soldier instincts.

It was Veetor, who snapped her mind back to the present. They'd found him locked in a room, sitting in front of a dozen monitors that showed the entire colony. Shepard figured it was the surveillance room.

"Veetor?" She asked but only got gibberish as reply.

"Hey, I'm talking to you." Nothing.

"Great! We come all this way and our only witness is a babbling idiot." Miranda said sarcastically.

Shepard had no patience left. She lifted her pistol and shot at one of the monitors.

The quarian jumped up from his chair and turned around.

"You're not one of them. You...you're human. They didn't find you?"

"Who didn't find us?" Miranda asked.

"The...the monsters. The swarm. They took everyone."

"Why didn't the colonists fight back, Veetor? What happened?" Shepard could feel how her patience level dropped below non-existence.

"You don't know. You didn't see. But I see everything." Veetor turned around and typed something in the control panel of the monitor system and pictures appeared on the screens.

"Looks like security footage. He must have pieced it together manually." Miranda said in an analyzing tone.

"What the hell is that?" Jacob burst out.

Obviously he could make as much of what was showing on the monitors as Shepard.

"My god," Miranda gasped, "I think it's a Collector."

_A what? _

"Is that some kind of alien?" Shepard asked.

"They're a species from somewhere beyond the Omega 4 relay. Only a few people have ever seen one in person." Jacob explained while still looking at the monitors.

The footage showed aliens Shepard had never seen before, walking next to moving containers. She couldn't quite make out what those were but they looked like coffins.

"They usually work through intermediaries, like slavers or hired mercenaries. If they're involved with the Reapers somehow, it could explain what happened to the colonies." Miranda's voice sounded like it came from far away.

Jacob picked up where she left off: "The Collectors have advanced technology. They could have a weapon that disables an entire settlement at once."

Then Veetor added: "The seeker swarms. No one can hide. The seekers find you. Freeze you. Then the monsters take you away."

Shepard started to feel sympathy for him. It must have been a horrible thing for the young quarian to witness.

"What happened next?" she asked, her voice much softer this time.

"The monsters took the people onto the ship, and then they left. The ship flew away. But they'll be back for me. No one escapes!"

"I think that's probably all we're getting out of him, Commander.

"We appreciate what you told us. You were very helpful," she said encouragingly.

"I studied them. The monsters. The swarms." He lifted his left arm to activate his omni-tool.

"I recorded them with my omni-tool. Lots of readings. Electro-magnetic. Dark energy!"

"We need to get this data to the Illusive Man. Grab the quarian and call the shuttle to come pick us up." Miranda suggested but right in this moment the door opened and Tali stormed in, overhearing the last bit of the conversation.

"What? Veetor is injured! He needs treatment, not an interrogation!" Tali sounded beyond angry.

"We won't hurt him. We just need to see if he knows anything else. He'll be returned unharmed," Jacob said conciliatorily.

_As if I would believe that, _Shepard snorted disapprovingly.

For a moment she hesitated. She highly doubted that Cerberus would treat Veetor the way he needed it. Besides that, she wasn't willing to hand an alien over to a known pro-human organization for interrogation. They had found the evidence they were looking for but leaving now would also mean, saying good-bye to Tali. Would she come with them?

"You don't have to take Veetor and go. We could work together. Just like old times."

That had sounded way better in her head.

_Just like old times. What the hell am I thinking? _

Tali's reaction came as Shepard had expected it.

"I'm still trying to accept that you're even alive. And you're with Cerberus. I've got responsibilities now. I've got a mission of my own. I can't walk away from that. Not even for you."

_Of course, two years, _she thought sadly. _Everyone's moved on. Everyone except for me._ _And this whole Cerberus thing isn't really helping._

While she was processing these thoughts, trying to adjust to the fact, that she had not only lost two years but also a lot more than just time, she turned to Miranda and heard herself say:

"He's traumatized and needs medical care. Tali will give us the omni-tool data and take him to the flotilla."

"Understood, Commander!" came the cold reply.

"Thank you, Shepard. I'm glad you're still the one giving the orders." Tali said. "Good luck out there. If I find anything that can help you, I'll let you know."

_Two years! And I lost everything! _Shepard thought while Jacob called the shuttle to pick them up.

She swallowed the urge to just sit down and cry. Her heart felt broken into a thousand pieces and it hurt in a way she hadn't felt in a very, very long time.

She wished, she was still dead. Her body shattered to pieces on the surface of some planet.

As the shuttle landed, she watched it without any display of emotion. The door opened and she stepped inside, sitting down and turning her head to stare out of the window.

Loneliness was something she had gotten used to after Mindoir. Even after enlisting. She'd never felt strong enough to open up. She'd never had friends when she was at the Academy. And no friends afterwards either. The time hunting Saren was the first time in her life, that she'd actually found people that had seen more in her than just Commander Shepard. More than just a superior officer or a hero. They'd seen her for who she was. It had taken time of course to _really _trust these people. Not just in the hey-we're-in-battle-kind-of-way but on a personal level.

And now?

Two years later all of this was gone. Tali had said it herself, she wasn't trusting anyone.

_How will they react? _

This thought scared her more than anything else. Seeing Kaidan's reaction on his face. Or Liara's, if she ever met either of them. They couldn't hide behind masks from enviro-suits like Tali.

Sooner or later she would find out. She already knew that it would hurt. Better to shut it off now than feeling this pain all over again.

She turned her head to look at Miranda, who was studying a datapad and Jacob, who had leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes closed.

They had done this to her. Cerberus! She'd been dead. They should have left it that way.


	7. Once More

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Once more**

_To the darkened skies once more and ever onward..._

She had no idea how many hours had passed since she had awoken up in the Cerberus lab. She felt tired and drained. Her body ached and nausea came and went in steady waves. During the shuttle flight back to the Cerberus station, she'd kept dozing off with her head leaned against the window.

Shepard stepped into a room that served as her quarters while she was on the station. She stripped out of her armor and left the pieces where they fell to the floor. She took off all her clothes and dropped them as well. Then she stepped into the shower and stood under the water for an hour, trying to wash everything off. The anxiety, the pain, the tiredness.

As soon as they had arrived at the station, she had left to speak with the Illusive Man again.

He hadn't been surprised to find out that the Collectors were behind the abductions and she hadn't been surprised to see he'd already known. The information he'd given her about them, wasn't really much. No one seemed to know anything specific about the Collectors other than the fact that they traveled to the Terminus Systems from time to time, looking for certain specimens, usually from any species with rare mutations or abnormalities, paying slavers or merc groups exorbitant sums to obtain what they want and then disappear again, back beyond the Omega 4 relay. Until now, they had never focused on one single species and although the Illusive Man had no evidence as of yet, she agreed with him that the colony abductions were related to the Reapers.

She leaned her head against the tiled wall, letting the hot water massage the back of her neck.

The Omega 4 relay was unmapped. No ship passing through it had ever returned. If the Collectors were able to manipulate a mass relay, they could have attained the needed technology from the Reapers, as they'd been the ones who'd built all of the galaxy's mass relays.

When she turned off the water and stepped out of the shower to wrap herself in a large towel, her eyes fell onto her reflection in the mirror. Not only her face was covered in scars. Her body was, too. A long one ran from her breastbone down to her belly and then parted in two more leading over her hip to her back. She let her fingers run along the fine red line and turned to the right to see how far up her back it went. It stopped over her kidneys but she spotted another long scar going from the back of her neck down her entire spine.

_Biotic amplifiers_

She had always had L3 implants but she knew that the new standard were L4, yet she'd seen L4 biotics in action and her own skills were now far more advanced than that. She shuddered, remembering the Cerberus labs she'd destroyed in the past. They'd run all kinds of experiments there. Some had been about biotics. Had she been implanted amps developed during those sick experiments?

Another wave of nausea hit her and she grabbed the sink in front of her with both hands and closed both eyes, trying to push all this from her mind. She remembered Kaidan and his L2 implants. The migraines they had given him and how he'd always refused to get the new L3 instead. Kaidan.

During her _debriefing _with the Illusive Man, he'd told her about her old team. Of course, only after she'd asked for more information, but everything he'd said about her friends, her former crew, had been fuel for the loneliness she'd felt ever since waking.

Kaidan had been promoted. His files were classified. Liara was allegedly working for the Shadow Broker now, something Shepard highly doubted. Garrus had disappeared a few months after she'd been declared dead and even the Illusive Man had been unable to track him down. This information had hit her the hardest. She couldn't stop worrying about her friend and hoped, he wasn't dead. She hadn't bothered to ask about Tali. Besides being on her own mission now, she doubted that the quarian would want to work for Cerberus.

Eventually, she had realized that there was no way around building a new team. The Illusive Man had already compiled a list of soldiers, mercenaries and scientists for her. She'd get dossiers about the best of them. Her job was now to find and convince them to join her.

The Illusive Man had also given her a new ship. Not just one ship. A copy of the old Normandy. And she'd met her new pilot.

Shepard opened her eyes and looked at her face in the mirror, smiling slightly.

_Joker._

The moment the Illusive Man had closed the connection, her former helms man had appeared behind her. She hadn't been able to stop staring at him while he'd let her to her new ship. As though she'd been afraid this was just a dream and she'd wake up any second, Joker and the ship disappearing forever.

Shepard left the bathroom and stepped back into her cabin. She opened a crate, that contained clothes and put on a tank-top and some underwear. Then, without a second thought, she lay down on the bed and rested her head on the pillow.

_Hey Commander, just like old times, huh? _

She smiled again. She had Joker back. Her man she'd literally had to force out of his seat to save his life.

_At least one familiar face. _

But her smile faded away when the things Joker had told her, sneaked their way into her mind.

_It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up. Records sealed. And I was grounded. The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus._

Her hopes that Cerberus was just trying to manipulate her, dissolved into thin air. Still, she needed to go to the Citadel and see for herself.

_It's good to be home, huh, Commander?_

Shepard smiled again. At least, she had a ship now. And with Joker on board, she felt a bit lighter. There had been only one place she'd ever called home, the Normandy.


	8. Defined

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**Defined**

_My will defined._

It was the buzzing sound of her own thoughts, that woke her up nine hours later, but even after she had opened her eyes, Shepard just lay there for another 30 minutes, staring at the ceiling.

She wasn't tired anymore. Sleeping had done the trick, and the long shower before she had crawled between the sheets, had helped to ease the physical pain. Her muscles were still sore, but that was something she could ignore.

_That's a pain I can handle._

The bustling activity of her brain, however, made her feel weak, insecure and uncomfortable. The only way to shut it off was to face the thoughts running through the analyzing process.

Finding a start within her head's chaos, was quite a challenge. Eventually, she decided to pick the first thought that seemed easy enough to be placed where it belonged.

_Cerberus_

She _had_ to work with them. But she had already figured that out. The Reaper threat and the Collectors were too real and too big to be ignored or for her to be picky about her allies. She knew that this whole co-operation-thing wouldn't earn her many friends. More like the opposite. But every life in the galaxy was at stake. Personal feelings had to be pushed back. The only trust she had for these people came from the mere fact, that they had _invested_ in her just to face this threat, that everyone else was ignoring. So at least, she trusted them on the battlefield. But with everything else? No! In due time, she'd find out what they were really after but for now, she focused on the mission.

She took this thought and put it in its place, then she moved on to the next.

_The Collectors_

An unknown enemy. The soldier inside her had a hard time to suppress her excitement. She loved battles, the more challenging, the better. Tactics and guns used in combination with her Sentinel skills while she was shouting orders at her squad members. She had always loved that. She didn't really care about what the Illusive Man had said. How she wasn't just a common soldier. When it came to combat, she was just that and she loved every second of it. She remembered Eden Prime, where she had first encountered the geth. The dark myth that had surrounded them, had vanished quickly after Shepard had come to face them in battle and succeeded. She figured, it would be the same with the Collectors, once she met them face to face on the battlefield. Sooner or later it would happen. She just knew.

Another thought, that found its place while she reached for the next one.

_Joker and the Normandy_

She smiled. At least, she had her own ship now. And to make things even better for her, Cerberus had given her Joker back. Like he had said last night, it was just good to be back home. And this ship and her pilot gave her a feeling that came closer to a feeling of being home more than anything else. His jokes and sarcastic remarks would build her up whenever the situation was getting too tense.

Still smiling, her mind placed this thought in the right category and picked one, that made her frown.

_The Alliance_

She had to talk to them. It was her only chance to find out if the Illusive Man had really lied to her. She would decide then, what to do next, but first, she needed to hear their point of view. Although the things Joker had told her indicated that the Alliance indeed didn't take the Reaper threat seriously, she didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

Thought processed, stored for later use, moving on to the next.

_Her old crew_

Kaidan promoted. Liara working for the Shadow Broker. Garrus, her stomach clenched again at the thought of her friend, nowhere to be found. Tali on a mission of her own. She was not so sure anymore, if she wanted to face them. Should she even bother to look for them? Her heart was still trying to heal from the things that had happened between Tali and her on Freedom's Progress. The scars would remain. She decided it was for her own sake to just leave it. They had moved on. To Kaidan and Liara she was dead, to Garrus maybe as well, if he wasn't dead himself and Tali had made her point very clear: she didn't trust her anymore. Little had Shepard known how much such words could hurt her. She never wanted to hear something like that again.

It was with a mixed feeling of guilt and relief, when she stowed away this last thought, the one that had caused all this chaos in her head. She didn't even bother to think the whole dead-for-two-years-thing through again. She had already done that and come to one conclusion: She had been dead and brought back. She wasn't dead anymore but the first fear of how being dead had felt, had vanished after meeting Tali. She couldn't change what it was but make the best out of it and focus on the mission and herself.

It was time for her to get moving.


	9. My Purpose Set

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**My Purpose Set**

_My purpose set..._

She entered the Normandy next to the cockpit and walked to the CIC. This new ship was designed like its predecessor, yet you could tell that it was owned by a private organization and not the military. Comfort and utility were closely combined.

_Shiny,_ Shepard thought. She couldn't help but be impressed.

A warm feeling grew in her heart, when she reached the center of the CIC with the large galaxy map. She already loved this ship. It was hers. Her new home. The feeling of being lost, vanished for a brief moment but deep inside she knew that all this was just too perfect, too good to be true.

When a blue sphere popped up behind her, discomfort replaced every positive emotion. Cerberus had installed an artificial intelligence on board of her ship. The AI introduced herself as EDI, pointing out that recruiting Mordin Solus first was most important to their mission.

_"Without the professor, any encounter with the Collectors will result in failure." _

Maybe EDI was right but still, Shepard didn't like having an AI aboard the Normandy. She'd spent a lot of time fighting rogue AI, mostly geth and there had been one incident with the Alliance's naval system on Luna. No, she didn't like this at all.

Joker's voice startled her out of her thoughts, informing her that all final preparations for take-off were now complete. Miranda and Jacob had returned to their posts, leaving for her to be the Commander now. Her job, her choice of destination.

Shepard walked straight to her private terminal to check out the dossiers.

"You have unread messages, Commander," a young, red-haired woman on the other side of the map said. Shepard looked up and nodded briefly. Then she returned her attention to the dossiers in front of her.

She opened them and chuckled, when she read the headlines. The Illusive Man seemed to have some sense of humour.

_The Warlord. The Veteran. The Convict. The Master Thief. The Professor. Archangel. _

"Archangel?" she said, more to herself, then selected the tab and started to read.

_- Small-unit tactical expertise  
- omni-tool expert and noted sniper  
Archangel is a mercenary commander whose operations are noted for their technical expertise and strategic brilliance.  
He is responsible for high-profile attacks on gang leaders on Omega and can likely be found there. _

Sounded interesting, and kind of - familiar. She swallowed hard and pushed the thought away. Looking at the other tabs and reading the dossiers, she started to wonder how this mission would turn out. Not only was she supposed to work with mercs but also with a highly-dangerous criminal and a thief.

_Now, this is just great_, she thought. _A bunch of criminals going on a mission through the Omega 4 relay to fight the biggest threat known to humanity. _

If that didn't get her a dishonorable discharge from the Alliance Military, then she didn't know what would. Right now, all this seemed to be some sort of big joke. Criminals, a professor, a krogan Warlord. She wondered what would be next, a volus with biotic powers? Or an elcor sniper? It took all of her strength, not to laugh out loud. She closed her terminal and then stepped up to the galaxy map.

Three of the dossiers, including the one about the salarian professor, had mentioned Omega so she figured, this was where she should start her recruiting but first, she wanted to go to the Citadel. She needed to speak to the Council and maybe find Captain Anderson. She chose the space station from the map as their first destination and let Joker plot a course. She knew it would take a couple of hours to get there. Time, she would spend making a first round through _her _ship to meet _her _crew and to get a better picture of _her _new home. And to settle in of course.

But before anything else, she walked straight to the cockpit to see her pilot. The moment she approached him, his chair turned around and he greeted her with excitement in his voice.

"Can you believe this, Commander? It's my baby. Better than new. It fits me like a glove. And leather seats! Military may set the hardware standard but on a first-gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design."

Shepard was about to return a smart-ass reply, but the ship's AI cut her off.

_"The reproduction of the ship is not intended to be perfect, Mr. Moreau. Seamless improvements were made." _

Joker's face frowned.

"And there's the downside," he muttered. "I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she's got this thing I don't want to talk about. It's like ship cancer."

_I'm glad you see it, too._

Shepard tried to keep her voice low.

"I don't trust them. We still need to move ahead, but it's all too convenient."

"Maybe you're right. I guess it's hard to argue when they install an AI to spy on us." But Joker moved back to his normal, funny self and added. "We're staying though, right? I mean, this seat is real leather."

_Right._

"Good to see you're keeping it all in perspective, Joker."

He turned his seat back to face his control panel, his voice insisting that they stayed. "Uh, leather!"

Shepard smiled to herself.

_Oh, Joker, what would I do without you? _

She walked back to the CIC and up to the young woman from earlier, who turned around to salute her.

"I'm Yeoman Kelly Chambers. I've been assigned as your administrative assistant. I'll manage your messages and help you monitor the crew. And I must say, it's such an honour to work under your directive, Commander Shepard."

_I'm pretty sure I can handle my messages myself but I bet the Illusive Man will need some help with them, _Shepard snorted silently. _But I should play nice, at least for now. _

"I'm glad to have you on the team Ms. Chambers," she said in a friendly tone.

"Please, call me Kelly."

_Not that nice, though_.

"Let's keep this professional, Yeoman," her voice a nuance harsher now.

"Yes Ma'am." The Yeoman stiffened at her reaction. "Anything else Commander?"

"Do you have a moment to talk?"

"I always have time for you Commander."

Shepard hated phrases like that. They sounded fake and she didn't need the members of her crew, kissing her ass. Time to find out, what this Yeoman was doing on her ship.

"What are your responsibilities?"

"I'll keep you notified of any messages or appointments you might have. If any of the crew has important business to discuss, I'll make sure, you know."

So, a personal assistant spying on the commander's messages. Actually, the ship's AI could do that, too.

"Isn't that the type of task better suited for a VI?"

"Yes, but being your Yeoman is just my official role. Unofficially, I observe the crew. Everyone knows how risky our mission is. Many of us may not be coming back. That's a lot of pressure. I have a degree in psychology. I have a good way of sensing when people are overly taxed."

_A shrink, great. Not only spying on my messages but on everyone else as well? And barely old enough to work on such a mission. How can she give any advice to people I am about to recruit for my mission? _

A picture of a krogan warlord on a couch during a session popped up in her head.

_I better make sure, she keeps her distance. _

"I don't need you analyzing me, Yeoman," Shepard waved her hand dismissively.

"Yes, Ma'am!"

_Glad we cleared that up. _

"How do you feel about being assigned to the Normandy?"

"I was hand picked by the Illusive Man to help find the greatest threat known to humanity. How do I feel? Honoured. Exhilarated. Terrified. But mostly I feel encouraged. Under your leadership, we can't fail."

_Oh please, spare me this crap. _

She resisted the urge to throw up in her mouth and moved on to another question.

"This organization has a dark reputation. Do you have any concerns working for them?"

"Not at all. Our methods can be harsh, but Cerberus has noble objectives. We look out for human interests, advance human technology, save human lives. They're good goals."

"That sounds like Cerberus wants to dominate all aliens and put human kind on top."

"Cerberus looks out for humanity. But that doesn't mean we hate aliens. My sister started a dog shelter but she loved cats too. I love humanity. I also love asari, quarian, turian, salarian, hanar. That isn't in conflict with Cerberus' ideals."

That sounded like it was being read from a book. Or as if it came straight from a recruitment advertisement

_Wait, did you just compare dogs and cats to humans and aliens? _

She shifted into a more relaxed position and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She knew, that she looked unimpressed, when she stood that way. She appeared arrogant, almost intimidating, one of the reasons, why she often posed like that.

This Yeoman had no idea what Cerberus had done in the past. She hadn't seen the secret facilities where they had run their sick experiments. She hadn't seen the _test subjects_. Shepard remembered Rear Admiral Kahoku's body that she'd found on Binthu in one of the Cerberus labs. Yes, Cerberus was sick and although they always claimed to put human interests on top, they stopped at nothing, not even at killing some of their own if necessary.

"You're fooling yourself, if you believe, Cerberus is noble."

"I'm sorry, you feel that way. I hope time will change your mind," was the young woman's reply.

_I highly doubt that. _

Shepard had heard enough. Dismissing the young woman, she walked to the elevator behind her, only to push the button for Deck 3. She wanted to see the rest of the ship before she settled in.

She stepped into a hallway with Observation Decks on both ends, life support in between, as well as the crew quarters and the restrooms. She chuckled when she saw the men's restrooms. The other trainees at the Academy used to play pranks on each other and often ended up storming into the restrooms of the opposite sex, just for the fun of it. She decided, since she was the Commander, that she needed to know her ship inside out and walked into the Men's restroom. It was empty but EDI's voice came in, pointing out that the Women's restrooms could be found on the starboard side of the ship.

_Dammit! _She cursed silently when she turned around and fled from this embarrassing situation..

_Owned by my own ship's AI._

She figured, Joker would laugh it up if he knew.

Shepard walked through the Mess Hall and heard a crew member complaining to the Mess Sergeant but when he saw her walk by, he went silent and returned his attention to the plate in front of him. Taking a closer look, she understood the complaint. The meal didn'tt look too delicious. She walked up to the Mess Sergeant who greeted her exuberantly. She talked to him for a while and found out that he was not only the cook but basically did everything around the ship that needed to be done.

_Plumbing and cooking, I bet Miranda would just love that. _

Before she left, she asked if the Sergeant needed anything and found out why the food on the crewman's plate from earlier had looked unappetizing. Military provisions. Although she'd lived off them for most of her life, she'd never gotten used to the food during her Alliance service. She offered to keep an eye out for the ingredients he needed once they got to the Citadel. She told him to make her a list and then walked over to the Med Bay.

Upon entering she stopped in her tracks as the woman in the room turned around.

_Dr. Chakwas._

"Commander Shepard!" she greeted with this friendly, familiar voice. "I watched the Normandy crumble with you on board. It's good to see you alive!"

"Nice to see a familiar face, Doctor."

"I feel the same. I wish more of the original crew could be here."

Shepard felt the knot in her stomach again.

"The kind of trauma you endured would've changed most people, but not you, I see. Welcome back, Shepard!"

_If only you knew how much it has changed me, Doctor. _

When Shepard left about twenty minutes later, her head rang with the things Dr. Chakwas had told her.

She decided to go down to the engineering room before she took the elevator up to her private cabin.

Her two engineers, a man named Ken Donelly and a woman named Gabriella Daniels were at ease when she entered. In a very harsh tone, harsher than she had wanted it to sound, she'd ordered them to shape up. They both seemed nice but the things they told her, had brought back the nausea. She needed time to herself and had hurried off as quickly as possible.

She entered her quarters and leaned against the wall with her eyes closed. There was a desk next to her and just when she was about to sit down, a door behind her opened. Her own bathroom.

She had never minded crew quarters or crew restrooms on Alliance ships but given her current situation, she was glad to have her own private area. It would just help her going back to her old, solitary self.

She opened the tap and splashed cold water into her face.

_I have faith that your dealings with Cerberus will be ethical. I trust you, Commander. _Chakwas' voice burnt itself into a part of her memory.

_Dealings with Cerberus. _Splash. _Ethical. _Splash.

_I trust you, Commander. _

Why? Why did she trust her? Why did she have to say that? And why was it so easy for her to trust Shepard while Tali had issues? Chakwas was just the ships doctor, her crew, but Tali was more than that, she had been her friend.

_They said your warnings of a greater danger were mistaken or delusional. _

Her mind struggled to believe what Donelly had told her. There was no way that the Council had said this. About her fight against Sovereign. It would dishonour and disrespect everyone - Ashley, Wrex, even Nihlus - who had given their life in the battle against Saren and the Reaper.

Another splash of cold water landed in her face. Her knees started to shake and she grabbed the edge of the sink with both hands so hard, that her knuckles turned white. Two strangers, the doctor, even Joker, rather worked for an organization like Cerberus, sensing they could do some good in the galaxy but Tali wouldn't join her. Her Commander and friend after they had fought side by side against Saren and Sovereign.

_We lost respect for Alliance leadership. _

_Once you were gone, the Alliance brass descended like vultures, tearing apart everything you'd said. _

Donelly nearly got court marshalled for insubordination only because he was publicly defending her - Commander Shepard.

She felt as if she was caught in a nightmare, unable to wake.

So the Illusive Man hadn't lied to her. The Alliance had turned their back on her. The only place that she had belonged to, was gone. Yes, she had been dead but seeing how the Alliance and the Council had treated the Reaper threat for the past two years almost gave her a feeling as though her death had been in vain.

Now she really had no choice. If she wanted to protect humanity - and all other organic life in the galaxy - from obliteration, she had to work with Cerberus. And hell yeah, she would. The Alliance could kiss her ass and so could the Council.

"Damn politicians," she murmured.

She turned the water off and dried her face, then she stepped out of her bathroom and looked at her new home.

She gasped. It was huge. Cerberus was really trying to impress her. A big desk with her private terminal and the intercomm station were on the right, separated from the rest of the room by a big, empty glass display. On the left was a gigantic fish tank, also empty but the way it was illuminated, gave the room a warm and comforting touch. Three steps led down to the living area with a lounge and a smaller desk on the right, a big bed in the middle with a sound system next to it and an armor locker on the left. In the ceiling right over her bed was a window and she just had to lay down for a minute to watch the stars passing by, although barely visible given the speed of the Normandy.

Remembering the Yeoman's notification about unread messages, she stood up again and walked to her desk to sit down and open her private terminal.

Sure enough, she had one unread message and the sender was none other than Admiral Anderson.

She gulped. Hesitantly she opened it to read.

_On the off chance that the rumours are true and you are actually alive, I need you to come and talk to me on the Citadel. A lot has changed in the last two years. You put us on top, and it's only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing._

Shepard stared at the screen. What the hell? Was he treating her like some deserter or traitor? She had done nothing but her job and eventually got killed in action while saving a man's life. What the hell was going on?

_...what we've been hearing. _

What have they heard? Rumours that she was alive and with Cerberus? Who had told them? Tali?

She could feel her anger rising.

When she had woken in that Cerberus facility, her only thought had been to get back to the Alliance. Everything the the Illusive Man had told her about the Alliance and the Council, she had shrugged off as him trying to brainwash her so she would work for them. But then Freedom's Progress and Tali. The things Joker had said. And Dr. Chakwas. Her engineers. And on top of all this, she had received this message.

Yes, she would go to the Citadel, but not now. They could wait, what could she say in her defense? She took the elevator up to the CIC and picked Omega as their new destination. She was on a mission and she couldn't care less about the Alliance or the Council wanting to hear her side of the story.

_They won't believe me anyway._


	10. Mood For Total War

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

**Mood For Total War**

_I'm in a mood for total war_

Omega was a shithole, there was no nicer description for it. It was dark, it was dirty and it was loud. Packed with humans and aliens of all kind.

When Shepard left the Normandy, followed by Jacob and Miranda, they were greeted by a sleazy salarian who welcomed them to Omega but soon got scared away by an approaching batarian.

Shepard resisted the urge to spit at his feet. She was still full of anger and the sight of the batarian bringing back memories from Mindoir, wasn't really helpful. Deep inside, she knew that not all of his species were the same, yet she was still wary when she was around them. And this particular batarian didn't look very friendly either.

"Welcome to Omega, Shepard!" he greeted her, bowing his head slightly.

"You know who I am?" She straightened up and folded her hands behind her back.

"Of course. We had you tagged the moment you entered the Terminus Systems. You're not as subtle as you think. Aria wants to know what brings a dead Spectre to Omega. I suggest you go to Afterlife now and present yourself."

_Present myself? Your boss can stick it where the sun don't shine! _

"I'll talk to your boss when I'm damn well ready," she said in a sharp tone.

The batarian moved closer.

"Then you better get ready. No one keeps Aria waiting. Afterlife. Now."

_I should keep her waiting just for the sake of it. No one orders me around anymore. _

But she knew that messing with Omega's boss wouldn't be the best idea. She needed Aria's help, and she'd only get that if she played by Omega's rules. She sighed.

EDI had transferred directions to Shepard's omni-tool. She checked where Afterlife was located and reluctantly headed in that direction. At the end of the long hall way, she came across a human who was beating a batarian. The dossier about the Veteran had mentioned that Zaeed Masani was to be found on Omega outside the Afterlife. The description fit his appearance.

Shepard approached him, ignoring the batarian's plea for help.

"You Zaeed Massani?"

The man turned around, his face heavily scarred.

"Yeah. That's me. You must be Commander Shepard. I hear we have a galaxy to save."

He was the typical merc, only in it for the money. She knew he didn't give a damn about saving the galaxy. All he cared about was the credits Cerberus had offered him. She told him to take his stuff to the Normandy and to meet up with them at Afterlife.

"I assume the Illusive Man told you about our arrangement?" he asked.

Of course he hadn't but Massani didn't seem too surprised. He told her about Vido Santiago, head of the Blue Suns, who had recently captured an Eldfell-Ashland refinery on Zorya and was using the workers for slave labor and that the company wanted it to be dealt with.

_Right. We go on a neat, little rescue mission before we start our holiday trip through the Omega 4 relay to save the galaxy. She didn't care about the agreement. _

"If we have the time, we'll take care of it."

That wasn't quite the answer he had expected judging by his reaction but just in this moment the batarian jumped up and started to run. Without hesitation, Massani shot him.

"I'll better turn this thing in before it starts to stink." Massini said as he walked towards the motionless body.

_I really don't like mercs but he looks like he can get things done. _

Shepard walked towards the door leading from the docks to one of Omega's numerous busy levels. She didn't have to go far, Afterlife lay right ahead.

_The boss makes sure, everybody knows where to find her, _Shepard could hear music blasting through the heavy door on the other side. A group of batarians was approaching her, when she walked by.

"What are you looking at?"

_The vent that I've been waiting for. _

She grabbed the one who had spoken to her by the scruff of his neck.

"The man whose day I'm about to ruin," she hissed in a voice filled with disgust and hate.

Jacob and Miranda also stood, guns ready, pointing towards the other two batarians by his side.

The batarian in her grip seemed less confident now.

"Uh...I'm not looking for trouble."

_Too late, pal. I'm already having fun. _She wouldn't let him get off the hook that easily.

"Maybe I am. Maybe you'd better get out of here before I find you some."

She could smell his fear, saw his four eyes opened wide, scared. He squirmed, trying to break free from her tight grip.

"All right, all right. I...I've got stuff to do anyway," he stammered. She let him go.

"Come on, let's get out of here," he shouted at his friends and stormed off. One of them remained behind, trying to intimidate Shepard, but she just pointed her gun at him and he ran away.

_Ah, that felt good._

Smiling grimly, she holstered her pistol and entered Afterlife. The music wasn't bad. She stood in the entrance for a moment taking in the view. The club was packed with people of all species. Some were dancing, some talking, most of them drinking. A lot of asari strippers and table dancers to keep the guests entertained. Jacob seemed to quite enjoy the sight.

Shepard remembered her talk with Chakwas and the Serrice Ice Brandy came to mind. She checked out what the bar had in stock. Serrice Ice Brandy was for sale so she bought a bottle to be delivered to her cabin on the Normandy. Then she let her eyes wander around the club and spotted a private booth, guarded by an armed batarian at each side.

_Guess, that's where I find Aria._

As she entered the booth and walked up the stairs she heard the asari say:

"That's close enough."

One of her guards stepped in between them, activating his omni-tool.

"Stand still."

She reacted almost instinctively, grabbing the batarian's neck.

"Try it and you'll be scanning the inside of your colon."

Aria laughed dryly.

"I'd almost pay to see that. But it's not an option. You wanna talk, you get scanned."

Shepard decided to play along.

"Huh, all you had to do was ask," she said in a playful tone.

"I don't ask," was the cool reply.

"I was told you are the person to talk to if I have questions," Shepard said, ignoring the man and his omni-tool. He shut it off and turned around.

"They're clean!"

"Depends on the questions."

"You run Omega?"

Aria, laughed and shook her head slightly. Then she turned her back on Shepard, walked up to the back of the lounge spreading her arms in front of a large purple holographic cylinder that extended all the way to the ceiling.

"I am Omega!"

Then she returned to Shepard and shrugged.

"But you need more. Everyone needs more of something. And they all come to me. I'm the boss, CEO, Queen, if you're feeling dramatic. It doesn't matter. Omega has no titled ruler and only one rule!"

Aria sat down before she added:

"Don't fuck with Aria!"

_I have a similar rule, _Shepard thought. "I like it. Easy to remember."

"If you forget, someone will remind you." Aria said looking at the batarian, who felt obliged to speak.

"And then I toss your sorry ass out the nearest airlock."

The asari pointed her head at the spot next to her on the couch and Shepard sat down.

"So, what can I do for you?"

Aria's skin wasn't as blue as other asari's. Hers almost looked purple. Besides the tough look on her face, she looked quite beautiful. Even Shepard had to admit that.

_Don't fuck with Aria, _her inner voice reminded her, snapping her thoughts back to business and she asked about Dr. Mordin Solus and Archangel.

Although she had wanted to recruit the salarian professor first, the talk with Aria had just changed her mind. Archangel had somehow managed to piss off every merc gang on Omega and they were teaming up against him, recruiting everyone with a gun to take him down.

_He thinks he's fighting on the side of good, _Aria had said. Much to Shepard's surprise this didn't sound like the regular merc at all. She needed people that fought for the cause itself, not for the money. And from what the asari had told her, Archangel seemed to be just the kind of guy she wanted on her team. Unfortunately, that was all the information she could get about him. He'd showed up a couple of months ago and started causing all sorts of problems. A reckless, idealistic man. Smart enough though, to stay clear of Aria. And now all of Omega's major players were after him. Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack, they had all teamed up to fight one man.

Shepard left Aria's booth to head to the recruiting office Aria had told her about. Archangel didn't have much time left and the chance of a decent fight to get to him, killing some mercs along the way, sent a wave of anticipation through her body. She needed to let off some steam and a battle would do nicely.

As she had ordered, Zaeed was waiting for them at the entrance. She wanted to see him in action.

Jacob left the group to head back to the Normandy and Shepard walked straight into the merc's recruiting office, which was in a private room of the club.

"Well, aren't you sweet?" the recruiter said after one glance at her. "You're in the wrong place. Strippers' quarters are that way."

_The only thing I will strip is the skin off your body._

Shepard took her heavy pistol from its magnetic clip on her hip and slowly, almost playfully, scrutinized it.

"Show me yours, tough guy. Bet mine's bigger."

He looked up. "Impressive! So you're here to fight, then?"

It didn't take them long to get hired as freelancers and a couple of minutes later, they were headed to the transport depot where a shuttle taxi was waiting for them.

Once, they had arrived at the merc base of operations, Shepard had talked to Jaroth, boss of Eclipse, an angry salarian who'd only grudgingly shared any information with them. Archangel had killed his brother.

_I'd be pissed too, but still, you're on the wrong side of the team. Too bad, I'll have to kill you. _

She had also found a datapad that contained information about the merc groups planning an attack on Aria so she took it storing it for later favours. Although she was supposed to talk to some Sergeant Cathka, Shepard had taken a quick look around and found a secured room with a heavy mech. It hadn't been very hard to by-pass the door lock and the security systems to reprogramme the targeting system.

_This baby has a sweet little surprise for you once you activate it. _

Then she had met Garm, a krogan and leader of the Blood Pack. He'd been even less willing to talk than Jaroth, though. When she had finally found Sergeant Cathka, who was trying to repair a damaged gunship, the attack on Archangel had started. Without any second thought, she had picked up a welder and rammed it into the batarian mechanic.

_This gunship is going nowhere, _she'd thought satisfied while his motionless body had dropped to the floor.

All freelancers were supposed to cross the bridge to draw Archangel's attention, while an infiltration team made its way into his base. Shepard and her team had given them a nice surprise by falling behind and taking them out one after the other.

Now here she was, walking up the stairs, hoping that Archangel wouldn't just blindly shoot at her.

But her concern proved unjustified, for Archangel focused his attention on his sniper rifle, looking through the scope.

"Archangel?" Shepard asked.

He raised his left hand, signaling her to wait, focused again and pulled the trigger. Then he checked, if his aim was eliminated and put the gun down.

_A turian._

But something about the way he moved looked strangely familiar. She held her breath.

_No way. _

Archangel used his gun as support to get up from the ground. Shepard's heart started to pound like crazy, when he turned around, took off his helmet and sat down on a crate in front of her.

_Garrus! _

"Shepard! I thought you were dead!"

_You look tired._

She couldn't hold it back. She walked towards him, opening her arms as though she wanted to hug him, but then changed her mind halfway through the movement.

_Would he react like Tali? _

"Garrus! What are you doing here?" She still couldn't stop her voice from sounding excited.

"Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice."

"You okay?" she asked concerned.

"Been better but it sure is good to see a friendly face. Killing mercs is hard work. Especially on my own."

_That's actually not going too bad,_ Shepard thought and relaxed a little.

"What are you doing out here on Omega?"

"I got fed up with all the bureaucratic crap on the Citadel. Figured I could do more good on my own. At least, it's not hard to find criminals here. All I have to do is point my gun and shoot."

"How did you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?"

"It wasn't easy. I really had to work at it. I am amazed that they teamed up to fight me. They must really hate me."

"Since when did you start calling yourself Archangel?"

"It's just a name the locals gave me for...all my good deeds." He laughed, he continued avoiding her gaze, "I don't mind it, but please, it's...errm...just Garrus to you."

"You nailed me good a couple of times, by the way," she said, rolling her neck and trying to make her voice sound like it used to whenever she had been talking to her friend, back then...

_...a long time ago._

"Concussive rounds only. No harm done. Didn't want the mercs getting suspicious."

"Uh-huh!"

"If I wanted to do more than take your shields down, I'd have done it."

_That's sounds more like my Garrus._

"Besides, you were taking your sweet time. I needed to get you moving."

"Well, we got here, but I don't think getting out will be as easy."

"No, it won't!"

Garrus stood up.

Actually this had been an understatement, she thought later, when she was running back up from the basement, where she had just closed down three shutters to keep the Blood Pack from getting inside. The fight with the attacking Eclipse mercs had been draining since there had been what seemed hundreds of them, but eventually the heavy mech she had reprogrammed earlier was activated and had taken out a large group of enemies before it was destroyed.

She arrived upstairs just in time to see Garm taking the steps to the upper level, heading towards Garrus. She had left Zaeed back with him and only taken Miranda with her. A wise decision, as she could see now.

She killed all vorcha in her way and ran up the stairs, where she and Miranda took out another Blood Pack krogan, before they teamed up with Garrus and Zaeed to kill Garm.

Out of breath, the adrenaline rushing through her veins, she picked up all thermal clips she could find and reloaded, a plan coming into focus.

There was only one merc group left, the Blue Suns so they both decided that they would take their chance to fight through them, but right at that moment, the gunship appeared and attacked.

All four of them ducked into cover but it was obvious that the gunship was trying to draw their attention away from more incoming Blue Suns infantry. It took quite some time, before the last one had been fought off, but when they started to check the area, the gunship appeared again and opened full fire at the upper level.

Shepard and her squad managed to reach cover in time, not so Garrus. He got shot and dragged himself into safety. But instead of staying there, he jumped up again and started to fight the gunship, that kept firing. Bullets depleted his shields and ripped into his flesh. His body dropped to the floor. When the gunship launched a grenade, the turian was hurled through the air.

"Garrus!" Shepard yelled.

_No, this can't be happening, _she thought, looking down at her friend who was bleeding from several serious wounds.

Anger rose inside of her. She wouldn't let them get away with this.

She jumped up and started firing at the gunship that flew to the other side of the building to cover more incoming Blue Suns troops.

Shepard lost all rational thoughts as adrenaline pulsed through her entire body. She aimed and shot at everything that was moving. She used her biotic reave on every enemy whose shields were low enough, not sparing a single thought about how much of a torture this was for her opponents or saving them from a slow, painful death with one last shot. She just let them drain out and die on the spot, their screams feeding her rage while all energy and life were deprived from their bodies.

Whenever she could, she fired at the gunship until it finally went down.

As soon as area was cleared, she hurried to Garrus who was laying on his side.

She knelt down and carefully touched his back.

He let out a rattling breath.

_He's still alive._

"Garrus!"

Shepard gave him all the medi-gel she had and rolled him gently towards her.

"We're getting you out of here, Garrus!" she said in a determined voice, then added in a pleading whisper. "Just hold on!"

_Please, don't die on me! I can't lose you now! I just found you again! Please don't leave me! _

Garrus' breath mixed with blood.

"Radio Joker! Make sure, they're ready for us!" she ordered in a harsh tone.

"He's not gonna make it!" Zaeed said but Shepard ignored him.

_He won't die. He just can't._

A few hours later she met with Jacob in the Normandy's debriefing room. She had wanted to stay in the Med Bay but Dr. Chakwas had shooed her out. Sitting in the Mess Hall had only worked for about ten minutes, then she'd decided to take the elevator up to her cabin, but there had no peace to be found there either. She headed back down to the CIC. When she arrived EDI told her that Jacob had requested to speak with her in the debriefing room.

"Commander, we've done what we could for Garrus."

Her stomach clenched and she leaned forward to grab the large round table with both hands.

_Please no! _

"But he took a bad hit."

She looked down.

"The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality..."

Relief overwhelmed her when the door opened and Garrus walked in. A large bandage on the right side of his face, covering a wound, his armor damaged. But - alive.

"Shepard!"

Jacob laughed. "Tough son of a bitch! Didn't think he'd be up yet!"

"Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?"

Shepard smiled crookedly. She didn't care what it looked like. He was alive and that was all that mattered to her.

"Hell, Garrus. You were always ugly. Slap some face paint on there and no one will even notice," her flippancy betraying her relief.

Garrus laughed.

"Ow, don't make me laugh. Dammit, my face is barely holding together as it is." His voice changed to a playful tone, as he walked towards her. "Some women find facial scars attractive."

She chuckled silently.

"Mind you, most of those women are krogan."

_Not only krogan women, _she thought.

Still smiling, she shook her head and looked down to avoid his constant gaze while Jacob saluted and left.

"Frankly, I'm more worried about you." Garrus looked down, his voice sounding more serious now. "I've heard bad things about Cerberus these past few years."

Shepard winced inside.

_Please, not you as well._

She straightened up and started to walk around the room, trying to ready herself for whatever he wanted to throw at her.

"The Collectors are wiping out human colonies, Garrus," she began, "Nobody else cares enough to stop it."

"I can't argue with that. Hard to believe the Council was letting the attacks go unanswered though. Damn politicians. I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I'll settle in and see what I can do with the forward batteries."

With this, he turned around and left the debriefing room, leaving her behind, surprised but also relieved.

_I guess, that's a start, _she thought, still startled by his unexpected reaction. The strange feeling in her stomach wouldn't go away, but she was relieved to have at least one friend back at her side who understood. A friend, who didn't just turn his back but was actually willing to stand by her and face whatever may lay ahead.


	11. Doubting Angels

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**Doubting Angels**

_Doubting angels fall to walk among the living._

The Normandy was still docked at Omega and recruiting Mordin hadn't been much of a shore leave, but it had given Shepard time to think. Again, she'd taken Zaeed and Miranda with her, leaving Garrus on the ship to fully recover from his injuries.

The salarian professor was more hyperactive than any other member of his species she had met before. Talking to him gave her headaches, as his mind often jumped from one subject to the next during conversations, making his train of thought difficult to follow. He'd been running a clinic on the station, helping the victims of a plague. Most aliens on Omega suspected humanity to have created the plague for they were the only species immune to the virus. Mordin had refused to leave the clinic at first. He'd found a cure and the only way to distribute it was the air system that was controlled by Blood Pack vorcha. Fighting them had been tough, but in the end, Shepard and her squad had succeeded.

Now, that Mordin had settled in the Tech Lab, Shepard lay on her bed, trying to get some sleep. Again her head spun with disturbing thoughts. The voices inside just wouldn't stay quiet. She had found herself more than once threatening people, instead of just using diplomacy. This was just not her, but the odd thing about it was, that she took some personal satisfaction in reacting this way. It was as if everything that had given her stability in her life, had fallen away and now she knew no boundaries. However on a certain level, it scared her.

Mordin's assistant for example, Daniel had been caught by batarians. They had agreed to let him go, if she let them go as well.

_I didn't kill them. I could have, but I didn't, there is still me...inside. But why did I think about shooting them? They did stick to their part of our deal. _

What worried her more though, was the sick batarian they had ound shortly after entering the district. He'd been sitting, almost lying on the ground, weakened from the plague. A dose of medi-gel would have helped him but she had let him die. Whenever people had been in need, she'd helped them, regardless of their species, yet seeing him, hearing his accusations against humans had somehow flipped a switch inside. When his lifeless body had sunk to the ground, she had felt nothing but disgust. No pity, no remorse, no guilt. Just simple disgust.

Shepard sat up, shaking her head to get rid of these thoughts and looked around. The shower earlier hadn't helped to wash off the anxiety that had been creeping over her since she had boarded this ship with its AI and Cerberus puppies.

_How long ago was that anyway? _She thought. She had completely lost track of time and not being on a somewhat regular sleeping schedule hadn't been of much help either, although she tried to use the time they were still docked, to get back to a normal routine.

_What is normal? _

This wouldn't help her fall asleep, she needed someone to talk to.

"Uhm, EDI?" she asked, uncertainly.

"Yes, Shepard?" the AI responded.

"Can...," she paused for a second, pondering how to ask this without sounding too sheepish but just couldn't come up with a better way. "Can you locate crew members on the ship?"

"Yes, Shepard. Would you like to know the location of someone in particular?"

"Is Garrus in the Main Battery?" She bit her tongue.

"Garrus Vakarian is in the Mess Hall, Shepard. Would you like me to contact him?"

"Uhm, no, errm, that's not necessary." Shepard got up. Maybe an AI on board wasn't that bad after all. "Thank you, EDI," she added after a second.

_I have to look for something different to wear, _she remembered as she put on her casual Cerberus uniform and rolled up the sleeves. After another quick glance at her own reflection, she left her cabin to take the elevator to the Mess Hall.

Garrus was seated at the big table, a datapad in front of him.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who can't sleep," he said, when Shepard approached him.

"I haven't gotten used to all this yet," she admitted, looking around. They were the only ones down here. Everyone was either on their posts or asleep.

"I could use a drink, what about you?" she asked Garrus.

He looked up. "Just like old times?"

"Just like old times!"

Shepard walked over to the Mess Sergeant's counter, ducked behind it, only to reappear a few seconds later with two bottles and two glasses in her hand.

"Knew, he was going to buy some stuff on Omega," she grinned before she poured each of them a drink. The Mess Sergeant had been smart enough to label one bottle with "Turians only!". She was sure that the Illusive Man had given orders to have all supplies needed that suited all members of the crew, human or not, although she doubted that alcohol was on his list of recommendations.

She took the glasses and walked back to the table, handing her friend one of the glasses and sat down next to his right.

"I'm glad you're here, Garrus," Shepard said with a serious look on her face.

"I'm glad you're alive. You must be the most stubborn person I've ever met. Even death can't stop you from saving the galaxy." Garrus tilted his head slightly to the left, as he looked at her.

She snorted and raised her glass. "Yeah. To saving the galaxy." She didn't even bother to hide her sarcasm.

"To you, Shepard!" was Garrus' sincere reply.

Both fell silent for a couple of minutes, as they emptied their glasses.

"I met Tali on Freedom's Progress," Shepard finally said to break the silence but Garrus only raised his head. When he didn't make any attempt to speak, she continued, "It didn't go too well, I think."

She told him everything about meeting the former crew member and friend and Garrus was a grateful listener, nodding or shaking his head at the right moments. It actually made her feel a bit lighter to get these things off her chest.

"...she said, she didn't trust anyone and I..." she hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words to express how she felt about it.

"You think, that also includes you." Garrus said, more stating than asking and she nodded.

_How come you always seem to know what I'm thinking? _

"Shepard," he began slowly, putting his glass down on the table.

"I know, I know, you don't have to tell me. I was dead, to all of you, and then I show up out of nowhere, with Cerberus operatives in tow. Not the best way to make a comeback, I suppose." Her own glass, although being empty, seemed rather heavy all of a sudden. She wrapped both hands around it, trying to find her balance as her head started to spin again.

Garrus simply nodded again.

"Maybe I should just go and try to get some sleep," she said, standing up abruptly, putting her glass on the table with a loud _clonk_. Why had she even thought it would be a good idea to talk about all this? It still wouldn't change a thing.

"Shepard," Garrus began again, "You have to give them time."

She snorted: "That's the only thing we don't have."

"Doesn't matter," he said. "This only means, they'll see it soon enough."

Maybe he was right. Sooner or later they all would see for themselves, especially if she failed.

"What about you? Why did you join me?" Shepard looked at him, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her face being that of a person who wanted to keep at least a two arm-length distance between herself and everyone around her. Garrus knew this pose all too well but he also knew that her condescending behaviour was just for show. He relaxed in his chair, leaning back and resting one arm on the table.

"You looked like you needed some help. And I had nothing better to do anyway. Killing mercs every day started to get boring. Besides..." he laughed, "someone needs to look out for you while you're saving the galaxy. Last time, Joker failed to follow your orders. I'll make sure, he does this time around."

Shepard smiled and shook her head.

"Can't blame him," she said. "He tried to save what he loved the most. Look where it got him after I...after the crash."

"As far as I can tell, his brittle butt is resting on comfortably leather seats."

"Garrus..." she said, but the turian cut her off.

"Just kidding." He held up both of his hands. "Look, I'm really glad you're back. And this ship, I can't believe Cerberus rebuilt the Normandy with a few upgrades to boot. I wish, we'd joined them sooner."

Shepard tried to protest, but Garrus cut her short again.

"Just a figure of speech. I know you have your reasons to do what you're doing. The Collectors are a threat to the galaxy and so are the Reapers. I'm definitely not doubting your judgment." He paused, then added, "Not after I got my whole squad killed."

She sat down again, listening to his story about how he had grown tired of the Citadel, the politics and playing by the rules, how he had ended up on Omega fighting mercenaries with his own squad, people like him, that had joined him because he had proven that he could get things done.

_You remind me so much of myself._

"How did those mercenary gangs take down your team?"

"It was my own damn fault. One of my people betrayed me." Garrus stood up and started pacing around the Mess Hall. "A turian named Sidonis. He drew me away just before the mercs attacked my squad, then he disappeared. Everyone except me is dead because of him. And because I didn't see it coming."

"Do you know where Sidonis is now?"

"No. His trail vanishes after he leaves Omega. But I'll keep hunting. I lost my whole team, except for Sidonis. One day I'll find him..." he stopped in his tracks and faced her. "...and correct that."

She knew what he was thinking and that he remembered Dr. Saleon.

"You said, you wanted to get some sleep. I think, I should, too. Good night, Shepard." And he left her sitting there in the deserted Mess Hall.

Minutes passed, maybe an hour even, before she finally stood up, took both glasses and placed them on the counter.

_...and correct that._

His words echoed in her head. What if he found Sidonis? Would he just pack his stuff and go chasing after him? Or would he ask for her help? She smiled grimly. For some reason she doubted that, not after what had happened with Saleon. But would taking revenge really help Garrus? She knew, she would probably do the same, if she was in his place. A long time ago, revenge had never been an option for her but now? Yet, this was Garrus, not herself. He killed whenever he had to, in battle, on missions but not for pure revenge. Would he ask her for help again? If so, how would she react? Let him go through with it or show him that there are other options as well?

_We're in the Terminus Systems, nobody gives a damn about it, so why do you even care?_

There it was again, her inner voice.

_Because he's my friend and taking revenge could change him forever. _

_He has already changed. _

That was true indeed. But still, there was Garrus inside and she didn't want him to become like her.

_You are just too blind to see it. Too ignorant to accept it. Just like you don't want to accept the fact that you are Cerberus now!_

_I'm not Cerberus! _

_I guess that's why your first stop after getting the ship was the Citadel? Oh wait, it wasn't! Go figure! _

She took the elevator up to the first deck, entered her private cabin and the moment she lay down on her bed, she had her mind made up.

First thing in the morning was setting course for the Citadel. It was time to talk to Anderson and the Council.


	12. Leave

N/A: The quoted song lyrics are from the song Anxiety by The Black Eyed Peas feat. Papa Roach. For some reason, I had it in mind, when writing this chapter. A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**Leave**

"_I only come here, seeking peace.  
I only come here, seeking me.  
Seems I came to leave."_

Shepard kept pacing up and down the cockpit, fully dressed in armor, her weapons holstered.

"I thought my mom was bad with the backseat driving, pfft." Joker commented on her restlessness. "ETA 10 minutes, Commander."

She turned on her heel and walked down through the CIC past the galaxy map, through the armory into the debriefing room. It was empty, just as she'd expected it to be.

_What the hell is wrong with me? _

Her heart pounded in her chest and she was covered in sweat, and not because she was in her armor, the environmental systems of the Normandy were working perfectly fine. Lines from an old song popped into her head, and her memory wandered back to her childhood on Mindoir. The song was one her friend Jenn's father used to play, a lifetime ago, she smirked at the memory, now it was more like two lifetimes ago.

"_...and I don't fear none of my enemies and I don't fear bullets from the Uzis. I've been dealing with something that's worse than these, that'll make you fall to your knees and that's the..._

Anxiety ...

_...the sane and the insane rivalry. Paranoia's brought me to my knees. Lord please, please, please, take away my anxiety!"_

Jenn had been her best friend. They were the same age and Jenn's dad had been a worker on the farm. Whenever she'd gone to visit her friend, which was basically every day ever since she could remember, music could be heard blasting through the apartment where the family had lived.

That song had also played during the attack. Its tunes and lyrics were burnt into her memory, a memory that not even death and resurrection had destroyed. At times of great stress the screams of her family and friends being slaughtered by batarian slavers haunted her.

But why did she feel this way now? She wasn't a recruit anymore going into her first battle. She wasn't going to have to make a hard decision, like back on Virmire. She was going to the Citadel. A place, she used to love and that she'd defended with everything she had.

_Two years. It's not going to be the same anymore and you know it. _

_Do I?_

_You are not the same anymore. _

She leaned forward, resting her upper body on the round table in the center of the room.

"_I feel like I wanna smack somebody, turn around and bitch-slap somebody." _

This line said it all. Anger lay beneath her anxiety. Anger about how the Alliance had dealt with everything. Not only the Reaper threat but her death. She felt disappointed on a personal level. Hurt, even. The fact, that she'd indeed been nothing but a puppet to them, had dawned on her, slowly but steadily. Of course, she was a soldier. Had been all of her adult life. She should have known and expected this, but having it actually happening to her, made her sad and angry at the same time. And all these emotions were mixed with self-doubt. She wondered if Anderson had felt the same way back then, when he was literally forced to step aside, to give her command over his ship, so she could hunt Saren, and so his background with the rogue Spectre wouldn't affect the mission.

Where had she gone wrong? Where had she been too blind to see? Had she trusted too easily?

_We need Shepard, just as you were when you defeated Sovereign. _

The Illusive Man's words rang somewhere in the back of her mind.

When exactly had she become who she was now? Had it been after Elysium? Or had it already started before? Sometimes she had to look at her own ID to remember her first name. She was just Shepard, to the Alliance, Cerberus, everyone. Even to herself.

"No, it wasn't Elysium. It was before I even enlisted," she whispered.

Her first name had always brought back memories from her early life. Memories that hurt so much. Her mother saying her name with this warm voice, gently hugging her. Her father's tanned face laughing widely. Jenn, calling out to her when playing hide and seek. Her first boyfriend asking her out on their first date. She had stopped using it herself. She had only herself to blame. There was no one else left. Just Shepard.

Now she didn't even know anymore who Shepard was, other than the fact that she was still being used as a puppet, just a different master playing her and pulling her strings.

They should have left her where she had died because whatever they had brought back, was not the Shepard everyone had known. She understood now, why Tali had reacted the way she had on Freedom's Progress. Shepard was someone different now. She didn't know who yet and she didn't know if she would live long enough to figure it out, but right now, she had to face the Council and Anderson.

At least, she cared enough for a handful of people to have a purpose. She would not fail them.

"Commander, we are cleared for docking" Joker's said through the comm.

"Understood," she replied. She took one last deep breath and left the debriefing room to head towards the airlock where she found Zaeed and Garrus already waiting for her.

The turian looked at her pale face but said nothing. They waited patiently in silence until the docking process was over and they were cleared to leave the ship to go through customs.

Security seemed to have been tightened since her last visit two years ago.

A turian C-Sec officer stopped them, telling her that the scanners were picking up false readings. That they seemed to think she was dead. Shepard told him that she had gone missing in action a couple of years ago. Apparently the C-Sec captain could reinstate her. Did she actually want that?

_Actually it's not that bad if everybody thinks that I'm still dead. Maybe we should leave it like that for a little longer. _

An element of surprise could never hurt and for some reason, she silently enjoyed the idea of people staring at her in disbelief because she was supposed to be dead. Then again, most people hadn't known anyway.

"C-Sec has indeed changed." Garrus muttered.

He was right. There were more humans than before, many in senior positions, and when they approached the captain, she overheard a conversation between him and one of his crew, telling her to use violence when investigating a suspect. She wondered if Garrus started to regret his decision of leaving the Citadel. This kind of treatment seemed to be more to his liking.

Although Shepard wasn't looking forward to her meeting with the Council, she was surprised to have Captain Bailey remind her of her friendship with Anderson.

_Point taken._

Anderson had been her mentor for a very long time. He had encouraged and supported her whenever she had needed it. Without his help they would have never been able to reach Ilos after the Normandy was put on lockdown by the Council. She owed it to him. A sense of guilt at her earlier feeling towards him had managed to work its way into her mind, once again stirring up the chaos of emotions inside of her.

"Shepard! Welcome back to the ranks of the living," he greeted her the moment she entered. "I wasn't sure, you got my message."

"What did you want to see me about?" she replied coolly, watching his face frown a little.

"I'll be honest. I was hoping the Council would be here for this meeting. I spoke to Udina, he never listens to me. Ever since he got the seat on the Council he thinks the stars shine out of his ass."

_Sounds like he hasn't changed at all. _

"They need someone like you on the Council to get things done," she said.

"I'm not made for politics." he replied.

_That's why I didn't choose you, you're a soldier after all. _

She remembered how she had stood in the exact same office a few years ago, forced to recommend either Captain Anderson or Ambassador Udina for the new Council. For some reason, the latter and his political experience had always seemed to be the right choice as Anderson was a soldier, not a politician. But now, she started to doubt if she had picked the right man for the job.

"I'm still not clear on why you wanted me to come."

"There's been a lot of talk since you came back. Some of what I hear has been, frankly, a little disturbing. I wanted to give you a chance to explain your actions. Maybe to get the Council to see things from your point of view, but they refused to see you. You let the previous Council die during Sovereign's attack on the Citadel."

_...and I saved many lives by doing so! _

"They feel you always put human interests before galactic concerns."

Shepard suppressed a snort. _And if I had let the Council live, it would have cost thousands of lives. What would they accuse me of then? That I always get the job done, no matter the cost? _

"Rumours that you're working with Cerberus haven't helped. What are you doing out there?"

_Rumours? _Had Tali told them about their encounter on Freedom's Progress?

"What did you expect? You left me for dead. Turned your back on me, just like you've done with our missing colonists."

"We thought you were dead."

_I was._

"As soon as I heard different, I sent you that message." He shrugged helplessly, before he continued. "I know you, Shepard!"

_Really? Then you know more about me than I do._

"I know you wouldn't work for Cerberus without a good reason. Something more is going on here."

_Damn right. _Her inner voice screamed. _I'm trying to do the right thing, just like I always have._ Shepard tried her best to stay calm.

"The Reapers are moving again but not through the geth. It's the Collectors. They're behind the colony abductions."

Anderson seemed startled. He obviously hadn't expected that. So if Tali had told him about Freedom's Progress, then she'd missed out on telling him everything. That didn't seem quite right for her. Someone else was behind these _rumours._ But who would know? And who would bother to spread them?Aria? No. She'd said it herself. Shepard was not important enough in the Terminus Systems. The asari wouldn't have any interest in running to the Council to tell them. She wouldn't gain anything from it. Left only one, Cerberus.

_Fucking bastards, _she growled silently.

"The Collectors? We hadn't considered that." Anderson's voice snapped her back to the present.

_Of course not. Most people think they don't even exist._

"There's so little data. They've always seemed like a fringe threat. If they're a front for the Reapers, this is big. But even that may not enough to get the Council off our tail."

_Figured as much._

"Udina and the others have spent the past two years convincing themselves that the Reapers don't exist. I tried to get the truth out but they don't want to see it. It's just easier for them to accept Sovereign as a geth warship."

"Are they blind? What about Vigil, the Prothean VI on Ilos?"

She recalled her talk with Vigil. It had been one of the most intense experiences of her life. A virtual intelligence, left behind by the protheans to warn those to come. The knowledge it had shared with Shepard had been straight out impressive, allowing her to learn about the fate of this old civilization that was brought to extinction by the Reapers 50,000 years ago.

"The VI on Ilos shut itself down. You're the only one who spoke to it. Just like you and your crew were the only ones who spoke directly to Sovereign. Officially, the existence of the Reapers has been dismissed as a myth, spread by Saren to convince the geth to follow him. We both know the truth."

_At least you still believe me. I guess that's a start. _

"But I've spent two years fighting that line. And I don't have much to show for it."

"You know the threat the Reapers represent. There must be something you can do."

"It's up to you to stop the Reapers, Shepard."

_As always. _

This was pointless. Not meeting the Council was a good thing. Although she didn't get her Spectre status back, at least, Anderson promised her to keep both the Council and the Alliance off her back. Just as they were about to continue their conversation, Udina entered the room, stopping dead in his tracks, staring at Shepard and turning pale as if he had just seen a ghost.

"Shepard?" He asked, plain disbelief in his voice. "What are you doing here?"

_Commander Shepard. So good to see you are alive. I'm still grateful you got me this awesome job. Now I'm finally someone really important. _

"I got a long list of people I didn't wanna see and your name is right at the top," she snarled.

"The feeling is mutual, believe me! Your return is a bureaucratic nightmare for us."

_Is bureaucracy all you care about? _

She turned away, not paying attention to Udina anymore but heard how both men got into an argument over her presence before Udina stormed off angrily.

Getting Anderson in trouble was the last thing she had wanted. She quickly said her good byes but before she could leave, her old friend warned her to be careful.

"You can't trust Cerberus!"

_Don't worry, _she thought as she walked through the door, _I know they will betray me sooner or later._

This hadn't gone too well, but it could have gone worse, she figured. Still, it was true. She wasn't the Alliance hero anymore. No one was really happy about her return, except for Anderson but even his hands were tied. He couldn't help her with anything. She had to stick with her only option, if she liked it or not.

_Damn politicians._

She wanted to leave this place as soon as possible but the Citadel had changed. She needed to have a look around before she got back on the Normandy and she wanted to keep her promise to Gardener to get some ingredients.

A couple of hours later she had enough of the station. It felt, as if access to certain areas was more restricted than it had been two years ago. She didn't feel as welcome as she used to, although she was recognized more than once and greeted friendly by those who remembered her. Others however, made no effort in hiding their antipathy against her for letting the old Council die.

"Let's get the hell outta here!" she shouted at Joker the moment she came back on board.

"What a sunshine you are," her pilot joked.

"Just do as I say!"

"Aye Commander. What's our next destination?"

Shepard paused for a second, she hadn't really thought about that but then she remembered one of the dossiers.

"Hourglass Nebula, Osun System. We're going to Purgatory."

"That prison?" Joker asked surprised. He turned around in his chair and grinned at his commander but when he spoke, his voice sounded serious. "I swear, she told me she was of age. I mean, she did look young but damn, how could I..."

"Cut the crap. Get us out here, _now_!"

"Aye, Commander." he replied, hastily entering the coordinates. When he waited for the undocking process to finish, Shepard had already stormed off. Joker stared after her and sighed.

"_This was an unnecessary statement, Mr. Moreau." _EDI said.

Joker glared at her. "You're a damn computer. What the hell do you know about jokes?"

"_A joke is something said or done to provoke laughter." the AI replied dryly. "If your intention was to make the Commander laugh, you failed in doing so for her reaction was..."_

"Oh shut up!" Joker hissed, returning his attention back to his console.

Shepard stomped into the elevator, hitting the button for the first deck with more force than necessary. She just wanted to leave this space station with all its bureaucrats and their denial. Whatever she had been looking for, she hadn't found it.


	13. Unknown

N/A: This chapter took quite some time to write. I tried to work on my vocabulary because I think, I sound just too repetitive most of the time. I'd appreciate some reviews.

Also, I have to give credit to Drew Karpyshyn since his books have helped me A LOT with terms that are used in battle. I really hope, I didn't just copy them and that I didn't screw up, trying to write a small battle scene with my own words.

A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**Unknown**

_All the years I walked unknown behind the faces I assumed._

Once again she was lost in her thoughts, staring into a self-created void in front of her. She wasn't Cerberus, was she? Sure, she worked with them. No matter how much she lied to herself, she couldn't deny it. After all, they were the ones that had invested billions of credits and two years of time to bring her back from the dead but she wasn't fooling herself. They hadn't brought her back for who she was but what she represented, to fight a battle for humanity and the galaxy. Though, this time it would get her nothing. Personal satisfaction for doing the job maybe, if they actually managed to survive. But public recognition? Hell no. Not that she would want it anyway, but at least within the Alliance Military she'd been working towards getting promoted. Within this privately run organization she had no real goals whatsoever. And she didn't even trust her _boss,_ which left a subtle feeling that she had to watch her back constantly.

"ETA 30 minutes, Commander!" Joker's voice came in over the intercomm.

Shepard was still standing in front of her opened armor locker, half dressed, holding the chest-plate of the new Cerberus armor. It kind of reminded her of her old Scorpion armor, at least colour wise: white-grey camouflage.

_Let's see what you can do._

They were about to go to a high security prison to recruit someone named Jack, a mere formality, but still she dressed fully in armor and brought all her weapons. It may seem ridiculous to non-military people but for her it had become a habit. She had never gone anywhere without at least a pistol. Even a few years back, when Kaidan and Ashley had talked her into going to the Flux on the Citadel for some drinks, she had showed up in her armor.

_You never know._

Kaidan had looked rather disappointed. Yet her armor was all she had left. The only friend she could always rely on, no matter what.

She didn't understand, how Miranda could go into a fight wearing nothing but a white, catsuit like uniform.

_Maybe she wants to distract the enemy with her booty. Let's see how she deals with a prison full of desperate and highly dangerous criminals._

Shepard had ordered the Cerberus operative and Garrus to get ready. The latter, because she knew, he wouldn't want to stay behind much longer and the former, because after all she was her connection to Cerberus and she just didn't like leaving her on the ship while she was out on a mission.

Purgatory was a maximum security prison starship, run by the Blue Suns. Upon their arrival several security guards confronted them and ordered them to relinquish their weapons.

_You can have a bullet right into your body. My weapons stay where they are. _

She hissed at the turian in front of her. For some reason she sensed that she would need them later and Garrus shifting uncomfortably behind her, seeming highly alarmed, only added to the feeling.

They would not walk around this ship unarmed, period.

A barefaced turian approached them, calling back the guards. Warden Kuril, armed to the teeth as well, informed Shepard that they would get Jack out of cryo once the Cerberus credits were transferred.

The way Kuril had chosen his words when telling his guards to back-off and let them pass, she had no idea what exactly his intentions were but every fibre of her body yelled _This is a trap_.Yet she couldn't do anything but play along. No one may ever have escaped from here, as the warden stated proudly, but she had fought her way out of worse situations than this.

They walked down a long corridor, listening to Kuril's ongoing talk about the prison, asking him a polite question every now and then, until he left them after a couple of minutes to check with the credit transfer while they were supposed to wait in a separate room down the hallway.

"You don't even get good information that way. After a point, victims admit to anything to make the pain stop." Garrus muttered as they were passing by a cell in which one guard was beating a prisoner while another stood outside, watching.

_Whatever he's done, he probably deserves it._

_That's no reason to treat him like this._

_Oh please, you know, he wouldn't be here if he hadn't done more than just steal a few credits. _

_That's not the point._

_So what is? _

"There's no excuse for beating a prisoner who can't fight back," Shepard stepped next to the guard in front of the cell.

"This is a massage compared to what his victims went through!"

_See? I told you._

"I wasn't asking." she said, her voice cold while her mind tried to ignore the battle of thoughts within her.

"You're in a high security facility with guns and cameras everywhere and you're threatening me?" He turned to her, sounding baffled and if she could have seen his face, she bet he would have stared at her in pure disbelief.

She leaned closer to him and almost whispered: "These guns and cameras won't be fast enough to save you."

"Is that right?" The guard took one step backwards.

"I told you to stop!" she ordered sharply.

He hesitated for a moment. "Call it off..." He said, turning to his comrade in the cell. "...at least for now!"

_You confuse the hell out of me, do you know that? _

She ignored it.

_I mean, at least I expected you to talk some sense into his brain but noooo, you have to threaten him._

Quietly, she walked on.

_You always used diplomacy. Hell, you even convinced that Blake woman to disband her gang without killing anyone. _

That was true. She remembered Helena Blake all too well. It had been shortly after Shepard had received her Spectre status that Blake had approached her. The woman, member of a criminal syndicate, had asked for help with eliminating two of her affiliates, red sand dealers that had been trading defaulting customers to batarian slavers. Without any second thought, Shepard had agreed and when talking to Blake the last time, she had managed to convince her, that crime just didn't pay off and eventually, Blake had agreed to disband her organization. Shepard had always been proud of her diplomatic skills, but now?

_Now? Now you walk around threatening people instead of relying on your eloquence. _

She remembered a quote, she'd once heard. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you find a rock.

_Well, you've skipped the nice doggy part a lot lately. And by a lot I mean, what the hell are you doing? _

If only she knew the answer to that question herself. But where had all the nice doggy talk gotten her in the end? The Alliance and the Council both had turned their backs on her.

_You'd never liked the Council to begin with. _

True. They'd dismissed her visions about the Reapers as simple dreams, not to mention the turian councilor who'd never made a secret of how little he had liked her.

_Is that why you let them die? _

She didn't know anymore. The new Council wasn't much different either, so her decision had had no impact after all. The dead members had just been replaced by new ones, as bureaucratic and ignorant to facts as their predecessors and even less willing to act.

"...buying prisoners, can you buy me?"

The voice of a scruffy looking man in a cell she was passing by, startled her out of her thoughts.

_Since when are prisoners for sale? _Shepard's mind tried to wrap itself around the man's questions.

The conversation that followed proved her uneasy feeling right. Kuril was nothing but a slave trader, selling prisoners to wealthy customers for their own private use or forcing their' home worlds to pay a certain fee to keep the criminals locked up. Otherwise he would release them onto the planets at an unspecified place and time.

She would kiss a vorcha, if he wasn't going to trap and sell her as well. Shepard had more than enough enemies willing to pay for her.

_Not going to happen, _she thought.

They reached the end of the corridor and as they stepped into the room some technician told her that Out processing was through the door on the far side. He didn't even turn to her but stayed focused on his terminal.

With growing tension she strode forward to said door and the moment it opened she knew that her gut hadn't betrayed her, for the door didn't lead to another room but was the entrance of a cell.

"My apologies, Shepard. You're more valuable as a prisoner than a customer." Kuril's voice echoed from the walls.

_Wishful thinking, you son of a bitch._

"Drop your weapons and proceed into this open cell. You will not be harmed."

Did he really think, she would just walk in there, sit down and wait until someone came to buy her like some cattle?

_Go to hell,_ she thought as she loaded her weapon and headed back to where they'd come from.

_Looks like this isn't just a matter of mere form after all._

This kind of 'formalities' was more Shepard's taste, though. She shot two arriving mechs and reloaded her gun while overloading a guard's shields, the three quick, almost silent rounds from Garrus' Incisor sniper rifle sounding like a sweet melody in her ears. This felt almost like old times, just that there was this woman behind her, not Kaidan.

_...or Wrex, _she remembered her dead krogan friend sadly.

This was not the right time to dwell on painful memories. She shook her head, ducking behind a nearby table while punching a new thermal clip into her pistol. Three more silent clicks from the Incisor. She checked her shield status, it was down to twenty percent.

_Dammit! _

Her shields had taken quite a beating.

"Miranda, move up!" she shouted and rolled herself to the right, emerging from behind her cover just enough to fire aimlessly at the approaching mechs, while Miranda used the cover fire to charge forward. When Shepard rolled back, Garrus took over, popping up from behind his crate, shooting. They repeated this one more time.

"In position. Laying down cover fire!" Miranda's voice came in over the radio.

"I'm going next," Garrus replied. Miranda stepped out from behind the metal stand and fired a quick cover burst in the direction of the enemy. When her gun went silent, Shepard lifted her head over the table and did the same for about two seconds, then ducked down again.

"In position," she heard Garrus say, then reloaded her gun quickly and readied herself to dart forward.

"I'm on the go," she barked and jumped up the moment Miranda started to fire. She crouched low, running hard for a crate in front of her squad-mates, the constant zip-zip-zip of the bullets filling their air. Before she kneeled down behind her cover, she felt her kinetic shields repulsing a shot. Her heart beating in her chest, she was trying to catch her breath.

Miranda overloaded the shields of an approaching Blue Suns guard, Shepard hit him with a reave, depriving him off all his energy and just when his screams indicated that all life was about to vanish from his body, Garrus finished him off with one single head shot.

"One more behind the crate, three around the corner," the turian said.

"Shield status!" Shepard requested, while checking her own, eighty-five percent.

"Ninety-eight", Miranda replied.

"Ninety," was Garrus' answer.

"Miranda, move out in the open!" she ordered, "Garrus, get ready! On my signal!"

Shepard knew they didn't have much time left. The guard behind the crate would be hard to take out. Using Miranda to draw his attention and tempting him to leave his cover long enough was their only chance. She didn't know if that would work out. Every well trained soldier would just wait for the reinforcement that was already headed his way, but they couldn't hold this position forever. They were running low on thermal clips. She had to take the risk.

"Go!" she shouted and Miranda left her cover behind the column.

When nothing happened, she moved slowly forward, keeping herself right between Garrus and Shepard so she wouldn't catch any friendly fire.

_Smart girl, _Shepard thought approvingly.

It worked, the guard's upper body appeared from behind the crate and started open fire at the woman approaching him. Although the shots were repulsed by her shields, all three of them knew, that they wouldn't hold up for long. Miranda overloaded the guard's shields just in time for Shepard to pull him towards them and all three of them started shooting at the man swirling helplessly through the air, their bullets piercing through his armor and ripping through the flesh of his body. One last, long breathed _aaah _signaled them, that he was dead.

"Ten!" Miranda said, as she ducked in front of the crate to cover herself from the approaching guards around the corner. Her shields would take some time to recharge.

"Good work," Shepard said, moving up to the column next to her, Garrus in tow.

Taking out the three arriving men around the corner was almost easy since they had no cover at all.

They searched the dead bodies for thermal clips and loaded them into their weapons. Miranda positioned herself on the left, Garrus on the right, before Shepard finally opened the door through which the guards had come, but there was only a technician inside. Garrus' sniper rifle clicked again and the man's body dropped lifeless to the floor.

_We have to get Jack out of cryo. _

But when Shepard checked the computer terminal in front of her, she soon recognized that overriding the system would basically set every prisoner on this damn ship free.

_At least they will keep the guards busy, _she thought grimly as she typed in the necessary sequence.

_This will end in a massacre, _her inner voice warned her but she just shrugged it off.

They watched as a large robot arm emerged and selected a cryo cell to retrieve it, activating three heavy mechs nearby. Shepard didn't know what she'd expected but the body that lay tied up in the cell, was that of a young, skinny woman with a shaven head. Her skin was covered in tattoos and scars. Simply put, she was the complete opposite of the image that had formed in Shepard's mind.

_Jack is the meanest handful of violence and hate I've ever encountered. _

Those had been Kuril's words.

_Well, she's definitely a handful. _

"That's...Jack?" Miranda's voice sounded as surprised as Shepard was.

The young woman's fingers began to move slowly, as life came back to her. She awoke with a loud gasp, her right arm ripping off the metal cuff around her wrist. Her left arm following shortly after. Then both hands moved up to the large cuff around her neck, tearing it apart like some piece of cloth. Jack struggled for a second, trying to catch her balance, clearing her mind, but when the three heavy mechs got ready to take her down, she flared up, jumped up and destroyed them with her biotics before they could even take aim.

_Dangerous, crazy and very powerful, _Kuril had said.

_Indeed, _Shepard smirked.

But Jack was already gone and a station wide alarm set off.

_Sweet, chasing a loose criminal through a prison with more loose criminals, guards and mechs. _

"Let's go," she simply ordered and marched off through the next door. Following Jack wasn't really that hard. The young woman had left a trail of destruction, dead corpses and chaos, holes ripped into the metal walls whenever a door was in need but not at hand.

_Impressive! _

Finding her though, was the real challenge, since the team not only had to deal with the guards but also with the loose prisoners. Basically each party was shooting the other one. It was pure chaos and Shepard used this to their own advantage whenever she could. The prisoners stood no chance against the heavy mechs, though, and fighting these off while the guards kept firing at Shepard and her team, was tough. It took them fifteen minutes to bring the heavy mech down and another ten to kill all remaining guards in the area, before they could finally move on to follow Jack.

They entered a large bay where Kuril had positioned himself at the far end.

"You're valuable, Shepard. I could have sold you and lived like a king. But you're too much trouble."

_Really? What gave me away? _

"At least, I can recapture Jack." He fired a shot at her and she ducked behind her cover.

"Not happening. You're a two-bit slave trader and I don't have time for it." Shepard snarled.

"I do the hard things civil governments are unwilling to. This is for the good of the galaxy."

_You're nothing but another criminal, _she thought, as she unleashed out and started shooting but he had already raised a strong shield around himself, that received its energy from three different generators and repulsed all of her bullets.

_Shit!_

Taking out the first two generators was easy but getting to the third one was harder than expected, as mechs and guards kept emerging from two different directions and tried to hold them off. Once they had killed all of them, Shepard destroyed the last generator so they could finally take on Kuril.

_That was fun, _she thought later, as they headed back to the docking zone, to where they had seen Jack running at full speed. They only encountered little resistance from remaining mechs and some prisoners on their way and sure enough, they found the person they'd been looking for, cursing and raging in front of the dock, completely ignoring another approaching guard.

One single shot from Shepard's pistol let his lifeless body drop to the floor.

"What the hell do you want?" Jack shouted angrily when she spun around.

_Ungrateful bitch._

"I just saved your ass."

"He was already dead." the young woman replied arrogantly. "He just didn't know it."

_Yeah, right._

"Now, what the hell do you want?"

"My name is Shepard and I'm here to get you off this ship."

"I'm not going anywhere with you. You're Cerberus!"

It took all her strength not to punch that chick in the face for saying that but she wondered why someone, who she'd just freed from prison started to be so picky about whom she was leaving this goddamn ship with.

"Why does it matter if I'm with Cerberus?"

"They've been on my ass for years. Anytime I get free, they put a huge bounty on me. That's why warden Kuril figured he'd struck gold when he caught me."

"She's destroyed Cerberus property and killed Cerberus people, hence the bounty," Miranda explained.

_Looks like we got something in common then. _

"You die first!" Jack's eyes narrowed at Miranda.

Anyway, they had to get off this ship and she would take Jack with her, if she liked it or not.

"I'm offering to be your friend. You don't wanna be my enemy." she said.

"They have a way of dying!" Garrus added in a dry tone.

Shepard smirked.

_Damn right._

"You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere? You think I'm stupid?"

_Uhm, yes? _Apparently, Jack hadn't really considered her options.

"This ship is going down in flames. We can get you to safety and we're asking for your help."

"We could just knock her out and take her!" Miranda suggested.

"I'd like to see you try," Jack snorted.

_I bet these two won't get along! _

But Miranda was right. Jack didn't seem to like the nice way.

"It might just come to that." Shepard said warningly.

"You'll have to kill me!" She stared at them provokingly but reconsidered. "Look, you want me to come with you? Make it worth my while!" Jack started to bargain.

_Now I got ya! _

"Tell me what you're thinking!"

"I bet your ship's got lots of Cerberus databases. I want a look at those files, see what Cerberus got on me. You want me on your team? Let me go through these databases!"

_Ha! I bet the Illusive Man won't like that. _

"I'll give you full access."

"Shepard you're not authorized to do that," Miranda objected.

_I don't give a shit if I am. Jack's not the only one who wants to know what you got on her. _

"Aww, it upsets the cheerleader. Even better," the young woman scoffed.

_Yup, they DEFINITELY won't get along. _

_But you know that this means drama, right? _

_I can deal with that later. _

"You better be straight up with me," Jack stepped closer to Shepard but she just nodded. "So why the hell are we standing here?"

The debriefing after the mission hadn't gone too well. Miranda had been pacing up and down in front of Jack, pointing out that she was second in command but it hadn't impressed the young woman at all. Shepard had told her to settle in and that she would get the files later, which had resulted in Jack stomping out of the debriefing room, muttering something about finding herself some dark place with no through traffic.

_What a little miss sunshine, _she thought now, taking the last steps down the stairs from engineering. It was the only place she could think of, that would be dark and quiet enough.

She found her sitting on a cot, studying some datapads.

_Great, _she thought angrily. _Not even twenty minutes on board of my ship and already ignoring my orders. Time to set things straight._

"I told you that you could see those files later," she stated in a sharp voice.

"I get impatient. Bust someone out of prison, they'll probably take what they want."

Shepard clenched her fist at this reaction. She certainly didn't like how this _kid _was trying to test her limits.

"Do not violate the integrity of my ship again," she said even sharper now. "You won't like what happens."

"Yeah, okay..."

_What a snotty brat. _

_Reminds you of someone, eh?_

_What?_

_Well, you've been acting much like her lately, don't you think? And now you're just pissed, that there's someone as snotty as you. _

Shepard wished there was a way to stop this voice inside of her. She felt as if she was going in circles with no way out, leaving her drained and tired at the end of the day.

Listening to Jack's story about her past with Cerberus took all her strength. Before she left, she offered her better quarters but the young woman declined. Instead, she jumped on a table in front of her, cowering like an animal ready to leash out for its prey.

"You know, this ship is a power house. You could go pirate, live like a queen. I could help!"

_We're on a mission that's way more important than living like a queen, _her inner voice shouted but instead Shepard heard herself say:

"You'd be my first mate?"

"I'd lead the boarding party and handle the executions!" Jack smiled, her eyes full of passion.

"I should go," was all Shepard could say, taking all her effort not to stammer, turning around on her heel and heading to the stairs. Her head spun with thoughts.

_Pirate._

What if they survived this mission? What would she do? Leave Cerberus? Go back to the Alliance? Would the Alliance want her back after all? More importantly, would she want to go back? Having this ship, no one giving her orders, the Illusive Man basically leaving her free hand on all her actions so far.

_You're not seriously considering staying with Cerberus after this mission is over? _

Of course she wasn't. But hadn't Cerberus showed her that she could do very good on her own? No one to answer to, well not on a regular basis at least. Sure, Miranda sent out reports about everything that was going on but still, there was no one ordering her around to do this or that, no rules or regulations to keep her from doing her _job._ It was something she had gotten used to without realizing and she had to admit that she actually liked it that way.

_But what about your friends? What about all the stability you've found in the Alliance? _

That had been before they'd turned their backs on her. Before they'd treated her like a traitor.

_What do you expect? You show up after two years, in a Cerberus ship. How would you have reacted?_

She didn't know. But the things Jack had said about taking this ship. She'd never thought about what she'd do after her mission if they survived.

_You know this would never work out. It can't!_

Cerberus wouldn't just let her go. They would hunt her down. They had their spies everywhere. At least for a few minutes she had enjoyed the idea of being free, yet reality had caught up with her.

Frustrated she took the elevator up to her cabin to get the Serrice Ice Brandy she'd bought on Omega for Dr. Chakwas. Time to make at least someone else's day a bit brighter.

Two hours later, she lay in her bed, feeling the effect of the alcohol in her system. The doctor had opened the bottle right on the spot and they had both spent a good time drinking, talking about old times, reliving memories.

The inner voices were quiet for once.

_Here's to simply being happily drunk, _she thought as her mind slipped into a world of unknown.


	14. Powerless

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

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**Chapter 14**

**Powerless**

_Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered. _

Maybe it was the pounding headache that woke her. Or maybe the feeling of her lungs collapsing while she desperately struggled to breathe. Either way, Shepard came to with a sudden gasp, sitting up in her bed, panting heavily and grabbing the sheets. Her face was covered in sweat. She wasn't able to recall her dream, if she had dreamed at all. She wasn't really sure. The stabbing pain in her head became almost unbearable and was mixed with nausea that started to spread from her stomach.

Slowly, almost carefully she got out of bed to go to the bathroom, moving silently like a burglar that wanted to avoid being detected, each step placed carefully on the carpet. She closed her eyes, wanting to keep out the bright light that flickered on the moment she entered the bathroom. Blindly feeling her way to the sink where she opened the tap. Resisting the urge to just bend her head under the water and drink it greedily, she took a few slow sips but her stomach almost instantly churned in rebellion, forcing her to take long, deep breaths to calm it down.

Shepard knew last night's brandy was taking its toll. She'd never been much of a heavy drinker anyway. The occasional glass every now and then to stop her brain from working too much; to keep the anxiety at bay. But no excessive downing the bottle like she'd done with Chakwas. Memories of her last hangover sprang to life. After Sovereign's defeat the Normandy's crew had gotten only a couple of days shore leave, and they had spent them mostly in Flux at the Citadel, celebrating their victory, mourning their losses, remembering their fallen comrades. Within the chaos of destruction, Flux had opened its doors to every soldier and every C-Sec officer, welcoming them with free drinks and free gambling. Everyone had needed it after all the fighting, revelling in the joy of their temporary recreation, knowing all too soon they'd be hunting geth again. Shepard had been drowning her anger and frustration over the Council's denial of the Reapers' existence. The morning of the Normandy's departure she'd sat in her bathroom, bent over the toilet while her stomach had been sending up waves of bitter alcohol mixed with half-digested food. No, drinking wasn't made for her, yet she sometimes crossed her own limits, knowing the consequences all too well, but the craving for just a few hours of peace for her mind was often overwhelming.

She undressed and stepped into the shower, placing both hands on the cool wall, bending her head to enjoy the water's massage on her neck.

_You can go pirate._

_I trust you, Shepard._

_It all fell apart without you, Commander._

_They nearly court-martialed him for insubordination. _

_I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. _

_I don't trust anyone, Prazza._

_We thought you were dead. _

_Shepard, I thought you were dead. _

_I saw you get spaced. _

_You've been dead for two years. _

_Two years! _

_"Shepard, is everything alright?" _EDI asked, startling her out of her spiraling thoughts. _"You've been standing in the shower for an hour and twelve minutes." _

"Yes, I...yeah, everything is okay," Shepard said, and turned the tap before stepping out. Her head pounding more than before.

She took her time to get dressed and sat down at her private terminal to check her messages, there was only one. Someone named Jonn Whitson had sent it, telling her how glad he was that he hadn't signed up as a freelancer when the merc bands tried to take down Archangel.

Shepard remembered the young man from the recruiting office on Omega. She'd stopped him from joining the freelancers.

_Told ya. _

Before logging out from her terminal, she checked the dossiers again. So far they had recruited Archangel, Jack, Mordin Solus and Zaeed. She cursed silently. There was another dossier that she hadn't payed much attention to, Kasumi Goto. To be recruited at the Citadel. She would have to go back there. Not now though, she decided. This could wait. First, they had a krogan warlord waiting for them on Korlus. This was going to be their next destination.

Shepard stood up and turned to leave her cabin. She took the elevator down to the crew deck. A stop at the med bay was in order before she could go on any mission today. Some medi-gel and a strong coffee.

Dr. Chakwas looked tired and hungover, too. When Shepard entered, she turned around.

"Commander, I very much enjoyed sharing that Ice Brandy with you but I hope I wasn't too unprofessional. Brandy goes straight to my head."

_Went straight to mine as well, _she thought, rubbing her forehead.

"It's nice to see you let your hair down," she said. "I guess I hadn't realized how much these feelings needed airing. But I didn't give you much of a chance to vent. So tell me now, what do you think?"

_I'm hurt, disappointed, confused. I don't really know who I am anymore. If I ever knew in the first place. _

Could she actually tell the doctor all this? Or was it just time for another _I-want-to-save-the-galaxy _speech?

"I...," she paused for a moment, then said in a cold voice, "The Collectors destroyed our ship and killed our crew. They gotta pay."

_...and when I'm done with them, I'll make Cerberus pay, _she added in her thoughts.

"...well, promise me, we share a bottle every year. The next one is on me." She hadn't paid attention to what the doctor was saying but caught the last bit before Chakwas focused on her console again, leaving Shepard standing there. She didn't miss the dumbfounded look on the doctor's face though, making her turn around on her heel and leave the med bay, completely forgetting why she'd gone there in the first place.

Hastily, she grabbed a mug of coffee in the mess hall, ignoring the mess Sergeant's thank-you regarding the ingredients from the Citadel as best as she could and hurried to the elevator.

Just when she turned around the corner, she bumped into Garrus, the mug slipping from her hand and shattering to pieces on the floor, spilling its black content over two pairs of feet.

"Watch where you going, will ya?" she barked angrily, taking a step back.

"Shepard, I...are you alright?" Garrus asked, a concerned tone in his voice.

"Yeah, just mind your own business," she hissed and hurried on "and get this mess cleaned up!" She shouted the order back over her shoulder before running to the elevator, leaving the bewildered turian in her wake. Once inside, she leaned heavily against the wall, her sudden outburst as confusing to her as to Garrus. She was in no state to talk to anyone right now. Her head was spinning and she felt sick. Instead of going to the CIC, she headed straight back to her cabin.

"I don't want to see anyone, EDI." She ordered the ship's AI. "I need a couple of hours off!"

_"Understood, Commander. Is there anything else?" _

"No, just make sure, I'm not interrupted."

Shepard lay down on her bed and closed her eyes. All this just wasn't right but as of now, she couldn't change how she felt.

A loud noise outside the door woke her up a few hours later.

"I'm sure, she will agree to see me." she heard Garrus' voice.

_"The Commander gave a clear order. She doesn't want to be disturbed by anyone. This also includes you."_ EDI explained.

"What is it, EDI?" Shepard asked sleepily.

_"Garrus Vakarian requests to see you, Shepard,"_ the AI replied.

"It's okay, let him in." She sat up and rubbed her forehead. Her headache hadn't gone away.

When the door slid open, the turian entered.

Before he could open his mouth to say anything, Shepard raised one hand. "Look, about earlier. I'm having a bad day and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm really sorry." It sounded even more pathetic in her ears when she said it out loud. But Garrus tilted his head slightly to the side and fixed his eyes on her.

"You looked a bit pale this morning. Just wanted to make sure, you're not sick."

"Nah, just overdid the Ice Brandy with Chakwas last night," she tried to sound casual. Garrus didn't seem convinced, but refrained from asking any more questions. _Thankfully._

"We've entered orbit around Korlus an hour ago. Ready to land whenever you are," he said, straightening up and turning around to leave.

"Garrus..."

He stopped. Shepard paused for a moment, thinking about what to say next.

"Tell Jack to get ready," she then added. Garrus nodded to show he'd understood and left.

She caught a glimpse of him when he turned around to look at her before her cabin's door closed and something in his eyes made her flinch. Was it distrust?

Shepard shook her head and stood up, walking over to her armor locker.

When had she become so paranoid? He was the only friend she'd left and unlike everyone else, he hadn't turned his back on her but had actually joined her on her mission.

_Doesn't mean he trusts you. _

Did he really trust her? Or did he join her because he just wanted to save the galaxy again? She knew he'd joined her before to hunt Saren, when there was no other way for him to bring down the turian Spectre. But she'd always been convinced there would been more to it. At least, after a while they'd become friends. Close friends. She had always been able to count on him. He'd always had her back. On the battlefield and later. He'd been her only source of comfort when the old Normandy was sent to destroy the last remaining geth outposts instead of finding out more about the Reapers.

He'd also been the only one to fully understand her frustration with the Council and the Alliance. He could have left the Normandy but instead he'd chosen to be at her side, fighting pointless battles until the ship had been destroyed by the Collectors. But did all this mean, he still trusted her? After all, two years had passed. Like her, he'd changed. A few years ago, she used to go to him to talk about her concerns, but now? Now she kept her thoughts to herself. Without a rudder she lolled from doubt to distrust to...

_Maybe it was just concern in his eyes you saw. Maybe he's still the friend you know and he's just worried. You don't really look very healthy, you know? _

That was true. The first sensible thing her subconscious had said all day. Instead of healing, her facial scars seemed to get deeper and deeper every day. Her once bright blue eyes showed a slight red glow. Her skin was pale, and around her eyes obvious dark rings, too much worry, too little sleep.

She shook her head and tried to focus on today's mission.

Fifteen minutes later she met Garrus and Jack to board the shuttle that would take them down to the planet's surface.


	15. Among Those I Served

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Among Those I Served**

_So many years I stood among, the thoughts and tears of those I served. _

Shepard left the shuttle angrily, storming towards the elevator, Garrus following her on track.

"Don't lecture me!" she hissed through gritted teeth.

"I wasn't going to..." his tone was conciliatory for her tone was far from amiable. "I just think it was a bad idea to let her go again."

Okeer was dead. The warlord had died defending a large tank that contained a pure blood krogan, which now had been brought aboard the Normandy. To get to Okeer, they had to fight a number of Blue Suns and an army of tank bred krogans, but before they had finally reached the laboratory, they had bumped into Rana Thanoptis, an asari scientist. The same scientist Shepard and Garrus had met at Saren's cloning facility on Virmire. Back then, Shepard had let her leave, and although they'd nuked the whole place to hell, Rana had somehow managed to escape. Now she'd been on Korlus, working with Okeer, and told them that she'd shut off the security cameras once she saw Shepard approaching the facility.

Again, she had let her go, much to Garrus' disapproval.

"So what?" She turned around and glared at him. "There was no point in killing her. She was unarmed. No threat to us!"

"I know, Shepard, I know," his voice became softer. "But what are the odds that you meet the same person twice in almost the exact same situation? Too much of a coincidence if you ask me." He raised both hands and took a step backwards.

She didn't know what to say in reply, so she simply turned around and stepped inside of the elevator, Garrus doing the same.

There was a moment of awkward silence before she looked at him and said: "You've changed, Garrus. There was a time when you wouldn't just shoot unarmed people only because you find their presence odd."

He held her gaze.

"You've changed, too. There was a time, when you listened to your gut feelings. Now all I sense is doubt. Doubt in your own judgements, affecting every command decision you make."

"I always did what others wanted me to do," she hissed stubbornly, "You don't know me! You have no idea what..."

The doors slid open and Garrus stepped out.

"You know it was wrong to let her go. I can see it in your eyes. And you will remember this one day." With these words he turned left disappearing from her view, just as the elevator doors closed again.

Frustrated she punched the wall.

Garrus was right. She knew it had been wrong to let Rana go again. Her guts had told her to just pull the trigger. Yet her mind had stopped her from doing so. The war hero versus the new born ruthless creature, constantly fighting for domination had stopped her from listening to the very instinct that had kept her alive in the past.

And Garrus had seen it. How could she have ever doubted his loyalty? Guilt stirred in her stomach.

A couple of hours later, she found herself in the shuttle again, Garrus and Jack next to her. They were about to land on Horizon, a human colony in the Terminus Systems that they'd lost contact with. Either they were already or soon would be under attack. At least according to the Illusive Man's intel.

_One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko is stationed on Horizon. _

This sentence still rang in her ears. It couldn't be a coincidence that the Collectors had picked that particular colony for their next attack. What was he doing there anyway?

_Outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies, yeah right. _

She hated to admit it but she agreed with the Illusive Man on this. The Alliance was up to something. Whatever it was. But if that was the case, did that mean, they were actually investigating the missing colonies on their own?

_"Prepare for touch down, Commander!" _

She leaned forward.

"Alright, we don't know what's waiting for us down there. All we know is that the colony went silent. We don't know if they are under attack yet, but we gotta be prepared for enemy contact."

Both nodded in silence, waiting for her to continue.

"This may be the first time we encounter the Collectors. We need to find out what they're after and why they randomly choose human colonies."

"What if we find any survivors?" Garrus asked.

"In that case they'll be our first priority. We gotta let them know what they're up against but I doubt they'll stand any chance."

"Anything else?" His eyes were still fixed on her. She hadn't told him yet that Kaidan was on Horizon. She didn't really know herself why she hadn't shared this particular information with him. After all, Kaidan had also been Garrus' friend. Did he sense that she was holding something back?

Shepard avoided his gaze while shaking her head. "That's all! Get ready!"

When they left the shuttle, she took Garrus to one side.

"There's something I didn't want to tell in front of Jack," she said apologetically. "Kaidan is here on Horizon."

"Isn't he still Alliance?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah, some program to improve the relations between the Alliance and the colonies."

"And you believe that?"

"Not really but I have no idea what else he'd be here for, to be honest."

"Then we shouldn't waste any more time," Garrus looked around, "Looks like the Collectors are already here."

He was right. Little seeker swarms were flying through the air but there was no sign of humans. A large starship had landed in the middle of the colony, towering over the buildings and although the shuttle's landing zone was in the colony's outskirts, they could see it easily. So the attack had already happened. From Freedom's Progress she knew that the seekers paralyzed everyone for the Collectors to take them away in coffin like containers. They had to stop them. She wouldn't let them leave and take Kaidan with them.

Mordin soon proved his reputation as a scientific genius. The counter measure he'd developed against the seeker swarms protected them against the little flying drones, but they had other things to worry about.

As they made their way through the colony, passing by abandoned buildings, Shepard felt a sense of dread wash over her.

"This place should be overrun by Collectors," Garrus said, voicing her own thoughts. "It's too quiet." As if their minds were linked together, both of them got their weapons ready.

"Look at you," Jack snorted. "Aren't you two sweet?" She shook her head and unholstered her shotgun.

"Shit, Husks!" Shepard shouted, as two dozens of zombie-like creatures stumbled towards them.

"Garrus, you take up the rear," she ordered. "Jack, you and I take these bastards out face to face."

"Fuck yeah, about damn time. Started to get boring," the young woman replied gleefully. "Let's mow these fuckers down."

"On your six," Garrus replied.

Husks didn't come at you one by one like the zombies in those old horror movies Jenn's dad had made her watch when she was young. No, they were all over you at the same time, trying to maul you.

Jack sent a shockwave towards one of the descending horde, its forceful power sending them flying left and right through the air. Then she pumped her gun and shot at the swirling bodies.

"How do you like that, huh?" she yelled.

Those that hadn't been hit by the shockwave, kept stumbling towards Shepard who aimed carefully with her heavy pistol and blew one's head off with a single shot. Another bullet ripped through a kneecap, making its owner fall to the ground. Shepard's boot kicked his head to the side, breaking the neck with a loud crack while she slammed her fist into a third husk's face. Garrus had holstered his sniper rifle and was using his assault rifle's butt, ramming it into faces and chests, every now and then shooting those Husks that were still descending from one of the buildings.

Another shockwave hopped along the grass right into a group. When a body landed in front of Shepard's feet, she jumped onto his chest, aiming her gun to his face. "Say hello to my lil friend," she snarled before she pulled the trigger.

The Husks weren't their only concern though. The Collectors that were preparing the colonists for transport, refused to leave without a struggle and fighting them was quite the challenge. Every other Collector served as vessel for a Reaper named Harbinger that was somehow possessing a Collector's body, controlling its every move and action. Taking those out was even harder than killing the _normal_ Collectors. Hundreds of Husks made the battles even more difficult. Some of them were horribly deformed, as though three or more husks had been fused into one giant being. They were heavily armored and in addition to the assault rifle like weapon they carried, they had biotic powers and their shockwaves depleted Shepard's shields more than once with one single hit, forcing her to take cover to recharge them.

They found paralyzed colonists, standing motionless on the very spots where the seekers had caught them. Kaidan wasn't among them. The scene painted the picture of a panic among the colonists, running for places to hide from the swarms.

Shepard tried to focus but the thought of Kaidan being aboard of the Collector ship already, sent shivers down her spine, pushing her forward in an endless rush of adrenaline, rage and despair. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

When the last Collector was killed and all Husks were taken down as well, the team found a door, which their opponents were trying to get through. Shepard by-passed it while Garrus and Jack searched the surrounding buildings for thermal clips and medi-gel.

It led to a garage that served as hiding place for a colonist. The Collectors really didn't seem to want to leave any colonist behind seeing how much they had tried to get through the door. Shepard asked the man about Kaidan and soon learned why he was stationed on Horizon. He was here to install GARDIAN laser towers but that they never got them to work.

_They may help us destroy the Collector ship, _she thought. _Given we can get to them. _

When the man started to rant about the Alliance, she'd already stopped listening. He couldn't help them anyway so he was safest where he was.

They left the garage to head to the spaceport. This place was swarmed with enemies. Collectors, Husks and Scions, Harbinger possessing one Collector after the next, the battle seemed endless. She figured, it'd be even worse, once they reached the spaceport.

_I hate it when you're right, _her inner voice snorted when the large bay door opened revealing two more Scions and swarms of Husks.

"Garrus, keep those two bastards away from us," she shouted, pointing towards the slowly approaching Scions.

"Jack, you up for some more zombie bowling?" Shepard dived behind a crate that served as cover for the young woman.

"You bet." She got her shotgun ready and flared up, then nodded.

"Let's go," Shepard smirked and jumped up.

Jack darted out into the open. The Husks stormed towards her the moment they saw her. She stretched out her arm, opened the fist and turned the palm in the enemies direction. "Mommy's got a surprise for you," she smiled grimly before unleashing a powerful shockwave onto them. Then Shepard opened fire at the swirling bodies while Jack rammed her shotgun's butt into a Husk's skull to her left. She turned around and kicked another one in the stomach before her gun shattered the back of his head.

"She's enjoying this a bit too much, if you ask me," Garrus said over radio.

Shepard grinned and released a burst of bullets onto three more Husks that were heading his way. Their bodies dropped to the ground.

"Didn't see them coming," he said dryly without even looking up from his scope. "Thanks, Shepard."

"My pleasure," she breathed heavily into her armor's radio.

"Agh..." Jack's body was hurled through the air as she got hit by a shockwave from the last standing Scion. "Fuck, lost shields," she shouted angrily, trying to get up from the ground.

"Get down, Jack," Garrus yelled, and the moment Jack ducked down again, he pulled the trigger, killing a Husk right behind her.

"Fuuuuck, Vakarian," Jack stammered.

"Garrus, kill that bastard now!" Shepard ordered sharply, but he had already returned his attention to his target.

"Thanks, I guess," the young woman muttered, grabbing her gun and reloading it. Both women killed the last remaining Husks while Garrus stayed in his cover with his sniper. It took three more rounds from his incisor until the last Scion fell as well.

_Great teamwork, _Shepard smiled but she knew this wasn't over yet. She headed over to the transmitter, contacting EDI for help with realigning the lasers.

"It will take some time to charge the lasers, Shepard." the Normandy's AI replied. "I recommend you take cover. There is reinforcement heading your way."

They had just enough time to pick up some thermal clips and duck behind crates, when more Collectors and Husks arrived. But now that they had worked out a tactic, they took them out quickly. Shepard placed a large singularity that trapped most arriving Husks while Garrus took on the other Collectors and Jack and herself dealt with those possessed by Harbinger.

"Take this motherfucker," Jack yelled when Collector after Collector fell.

Although they had to keep moving from cover to cover, it didn't take them long to finish all enemies off. EDI informed them that the lasers were almost fully charged but Harbinger didn't want to leave just yet.

"Oh crap, a Praetorian," Garrus said, a tone of disbelief in his voice.

"What the fuck is a..." but Jack didn't get to finish her question before the huge creature fired a large particle beam at them. The team darted off into different directions and tried to hide from the enemy's fire.

"Shepard, it's flanking you from your right," Garrus shouted, readying his sniper and taking aim. All three bullets from his rifle found their target but the Praetorian kept going after the commander.

"Son of a bitch," Jack shouted and ran forward, taking a shot with her gun. The Praetorian dropped to the ground and attacked. Jack's small wiry frame was thrown back, falling hard to the ground. Another wave erupted from the Praetorian that sounded like thousands shrieking voices. It moved quickly trying to outflank Shepard.

"It's going after you, Shepard, run," Garrus yelled and hurried over to Jack who was laying motionless on the ground.

"Jack's hurt," he said, "I'm out of medi-gel. We're losing her."

Shepard kept running around the spaceport from one cover to the next, trying to avoid the Praetorian's particle beam and to stay out of range whenever it dropped to the ground for another attack. She scooted back to Jack and hastily patched her up with the last dose of medi-gel she had.

"Fuck, that hurt," Jack moaned, but soon she felt the medi-gel's effect in her body's system and the pain faded away.

The Praetorian was coming closer again and preparing for another ground attack.

"We've got to get out of its way," Garrus urged her, pulling the young woman up from the ground and dragging her out of range just in time.

"It's going after Shepard. She can't fight this thing by herself," he looked over to a pile of tires behind which Shepard was hiding.

"Time for payback," Jack snarled, grabbing her heavy pistol.

"Just make sure you stay out of its range this time," Garrus warned.

"Yes, Dad," she smirked and ran off. The turian reloaded his sniper and took aim. "We got your back, Shepard," he said before pulling the trigger.

When the Praetorian finally dissolved into thin air after seemingly endless twenty minutes, the commander was covered in sweat, panting heavily. The lasers were fully charged and started to fire at the Collector ship. Shepard hoped and prayed that it wasn't too late.

Everything after that appeared to be happening in slow motion. The remaining colonists woke from their numbness. EDI informed them that more than half of the population had been taken away, a number of over 300,000 men, women and children and no one knew what fate those abducted colonists were facing beyond the Omega 4 relay.

Later, when she sat in the shuttle, she was in deep thought. Kaidan had escaped the abduction and when he'd appeared in front of Shepard, she'd been relieved to see he was well, but inside, her stomach could feel the old knot tightening again. He had seemed relieved, relieved and surprised that she was alive.

_Cerberus brought me back to stop attacks like this._

Why had she said that? She should have known better. Again she'd met an old friend and the first thing she'd thrown at them was _Cerberus._ Why couldn't she just ask how they were doing? Tell them how happy she was to see them? Was she so angry at the Alliance and the Council that she tried to burn all bridges with everyone who's ever meant something to her? If she was, it worked. Kaidan had taken a few steps back, his face frowning while he glanced at Garrus and then Jack.

_You're with Cerberus now. Garrus, too._

She still hated hearing it..._with Cerberus. _But what did she expect?

_I can't believe the reports were right. _

Reports? Was he still in contact with Tali? Garrus had asked if he already knew about Shepard's connection with Cerberus. Apparently Alliance intel had reported that Cerberus was behind the missing colonies and that he'd gotten a tip that Horizon might be the next one to get hit. He'd told them that Anderson had stonewalled him, but that there had been rumours that Shepard was alive but working for _the enemy. _She'd never seen him that angry.

_You've turned your back on everything we stood for._

His words had hurt her. Had he ever thought about how she felt? What it'd been like to find out the Alliance had turned their back on her? Had he kept his mouth shut all the time while the Alliance brass was denying the existence of the Reapers? She couldn't believe it. A simple engineer who hadn't even known her, had risked getting court-martialed for defending her while someone who she thought was her friend just stood in front of her, basically calling her a traitor only because she wasn't going to give up the fight against the biggest threat the galaxy has ever faced. Hadn't he just seen it himself? Experienced it? The Collectors were working with the Reapers. He couldn't just ignore this.

_I wanna believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus._

She didn't trust Cerberus either but the Reapers had shifted their focus to humans in general and Shepard in particular. By destroying the Normandy, by abducting human colonies, by picking a colony where a former member of her crew was stationed. She wasn't naive enough to believe, that the latter was a mere coincidence. She'd eat a krogan's testicle if the Illusive Man didn't have a finger in the pie. It would have been easy enough to figure out the Collectors' interest in Shepard and warn the colony after finding out that Kaidan had been sent there. A game, that would've worked the other way around as well, by tipping off the enemy about Kaidan's current whereabouts.

_They could be using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors? _

Was he really that blind? Cerberus was a number of things but they had always put humanity's interest on top. Even she could say for sure that they would never risk hundreds of thousands of lives just to manipulate one single person.

_You've changed but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier and always will be. _

Anger stirred in her stomach again. Alliance soldier, yeah right. She was one once too. Then she had died. Died while doing her job and the Alliance had decided to ignore everything she'd fought for, disrespecting everyone who'd given their lives in the fight against the Reapers.

She snorted and Garrus turned his head.

_You are testing them!_

_What?_

_To see how they react to Cerberus. _

Her inner voice became louder. Was it really true? Was she using her connection with Cerberus just to see how they'd react? To see if they can be trusted? Would true friends follow her blindly? Would she follow her friends without asking questions?

_You've never been good at making friends. The only true friend you ever had is sitting now right next to you. _

She looked at Garrus. He'd joined her although he'd seen Cerberus' sick experiments. Despite everything he'd heard about them. He may have spent the last two years fighting mercs on Omega but at least he wouldn't just sit around the Citadel, pretending everything was fine. Not after all the things he'd seen. And others did like him. They'd rather joined a rogue organization than spending their lives working for hypocrites. Yes, Cerberus couldn't be trusted, but at least they were doing something. Did she feel she owed them? Not the least bit. If the Alliance had taught her one thing, it was that backstabbing was something everybody did, even those who claimed to be the good guys.

Movement snapped her thoughts back to the present. Jack had stood up and was about to leave the shuttle. She hadn't realized, that she'd been staring at Garrus the whole time and he'd held her gaze. Her cheeks blushed a little and she quickly looked away, stood up and removed herself from the shuttle and his stare.

Yes, Garrus was her only true friend.

_More than that...perhaps... _

She pushed this thought from her mind and headed towards the elevator. Jack had already ran off to her dark hiding place and was probably already sitting on her cot again, studying Cerberus datapads.

"His ignorance is unbelievable," she heard Garrus' voice behind her. "We save his Alliance ass from the Collectors and he's got the guts to call you a traitor. After everything we've been through." The turian shook his head and growled.

"How would've you reacted if you were in his shoes?" she turned around, her voice sounding hollow in her ears. Why was she defending Kaidan's actions? She actually agreed with Garrus.

His look was full of surprise. "Just how I have! I'm here, he's not. I don't trust Cerberus, but I trust you."

Both stepped into the elevator.

"I wonder though, what reports he was talking about. I mean, Anderson obviously hadn't told him about you."

"I'm about to find out," Shepard replied.

"You think the Illusive Man's got something to do with it?"

"Most definitely. The question is why."

The doors opened at the crew deck and Garrus stepped out, his left arm brushing gently against her right hand.

"You know where to find me, Shepard. I'm there if you need me."

She leaned against the elevator wall when the doors closed.

_...if you need me..._

She needed him. More than he knew, and more than she was willing to admit.


	16. No Restraint

N/A: A big Thank You to Buggirl who beta-ed all chapters! Thank you so much for everything so far. I don't know where I'd be without you.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**No restraint**

_I have no restraint, no fear. _

Shepard sat at her private Terminal in her cabin, in front of three more dossiers the Illusive Man had sent her. She'd stormed out of the debriefing room when he'd closed the connection. As she'd suspected, Cerberus had been feeding the Alliance information about her resurrection and work for them. But the Illusive Man had taken things even a step further. He had leaked information about Kaidan to the Collectors to see if his suspicion was correct about the Collectors and the Reapers being particularly interested in Shepard and in everyone who had played a role in destroying Sovereign.

The Illusive Man had sat in his chair, sipping a drink and smoking his cigarette as if he'd been watching the news instead of receiving a mission report. His reaction had fueled her anger. He acted as though it was the most natural thing to do, holding information back and to feed it to the enemy instead appeared to becoming a habit with him. She had punched the elevator's walls a couple of times, bruising her knuckles. The debriefing had been mocking her and just proved Kaidan's assumption to be right. They were using her.

_Not like this is news to you. _

She was trapped. Trapped in a maze of her own thoughts and attached to strings someone she couldn't trust was pulling. Her own hands were tied and she couldn't change anything about it right now. Instead, she sat in her dark room which was only illuminated by the large still empty fish tank, while her inner voices once again began their went back and forth banter.

Kelly had left her a message that Miranda, Jack and Jacob all wanted to speak with her, but she felt drained and still too enraged to talk to anyone.

Grudgingly she selected the first dossier and started to read.

_Justicar Samara, biotics, asari..._

She skipped to the next.

_Thane Krios, expert sniper, drell...never heard of drell before._

Closing the Assassin's dossier, she opened the last one and blinked, reading it twice.

_Tali'Zorah vas Neema...formerly listed as Tali'Zorah nar Rayya._

The Illusive Man had to be joking. Tali would never join her. She had refused before.

_Because she was on a mission of her own, remember? _

_She doesn't trust me anymore. _

_Oh, come one, give her a chance. You had two Cerberus people with you and acted like an asshole. Besides you need more people you can trust. _

She sighed and closed her terminal, knowing that another sleepless night lay ahead. Shepard stood up and left her cabin. She took the elevator two decks down and found the mess hall deserted. Before his shift ended, Gardener refilled the large coffee pot and prepared a tray of sandwiches for those members of the crew that were working during the nights. She grabbed one sandwich and poured herself a large mug of coffee, then sat down at the big table, hoisting her feet to rest on the top. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. A throbbing behind her temples signaled the beginning of a headache. She heard a door open, then close again. Footsteps coming towards her.

"Trouble sleeping, Shepard?"

"Just enjoying a late night snack, Garrus!"

"I heard the food's gotten better since our stop at the Citadel."

"You only heard?" she took a bite from her sandwich.

"Well, Gardener certainly has to learn a lot about turian cuisine,"

Shepard laughed. "That bad, huh?"

"Horrible," Garrus nodded and sat down opposite of her. "Makes me miss the turian military rations I had on the old Normandy."

"Gardener must really suck," she chuckled. "You always complained about those."

"Yeah," he laughed and looked at her. "So why are you really up this late?"

Shepard hesitated for a for a long moment, studying her friend's face while she considered what to say.

"Been going through the new dossiers," she finally said after a while. "Tali is among them."

Garrus seemed baffled.

"Mmm, exactly my reaction when I read it," she continued.

"Cerberus wants you to recruit her?" Incredulity lay in his voice.

"Obviously. It says she's somewhere on Haestrom."

"That's in the middle of geth space. What's she doing there?"

"Hell, if I know," Shepard shrugged and took a sip from her coffee. "We'll get there first thing in the morning. I want to find out."

"Geth, huh? Can't say I missed them," he tilted his head.

She smiled. "It's gonna be fun to kick some toaster asses."

"You never told me what a toaster is. Then again, I'm not sure if I wanna know."

Shepard laughed out loud. The situation reminded her too much of their long into the night talks on the old Normandy. They had spent countless hours chatting down in the cargo hold. Sitting next to the mako, their weapons taken apart in front of them on the floor while they cleaned them and put them back together. She had enjoyed those quiet hours when everyone else aboard had been asleep, listening to Garrus' stories about Palaven and turian culture. In return, she'd confused him with human sayings, trying to explain them whenever he lost track of her figurative speech. At some point, he'd given up and just shaken his head, amused.

"_I'm a potty mouth but don't tell anyone," she joked. _

"_Isn't a potty a..." he began. _

"_Yeah, it is," she answered. _

"_But how can a mouth..." he tried to finish his question. _

"_It's a figure of speech, Garrus, because I..."_

"_Never mind, Shepard, I don't want to know," he cut her short. "You humans have a strange way of talking." _

He had laughed. This deep, warm laugh that had always made her feel so comfortable whenever she'd been around him.

Garrus stood up from the table and walked back towards the main battery. He stopped by the counter and said over his shoulder: "After all we've been through hunting Saren, I trust you, Shepard, but I don't know about the rest of the crew. It sure won't hurt to have someone else on board who does."

She took her feet off the table and sat up. She'd never thought of that. The main battery's door closed with a faint swooshing sound and left her alone with her thoughts.

Garrus was right. This mission was suicide, and she was about to lead those people straight into hell, to fight a mostly unknown enemy in unknown territory. If she wanted to have the slightest chance of success, her crew needed to trust her just like she would need to trust them because once they were beyond the Omega 4 relay, there was no going back.

As much as she dreaded facing Tali again, convincing her to join and having another trustworthy friend at her side, was important to the mission.

_And it's important for yourself. _


End file.
